I broke down today and did a crazy thing: I went shopping in a maternity store.  I am 17.5 weeks and if I wear regular tops, I am starting to flash my belly (covered with bruises from the Lovenox injetions) to my colleagues and students.  I bought a couple of things off the internet a few weeks ago but they are still too big yet. 

I felt like a totally fraud in the store, mostly because I am only 17.5 weeks.  Most of the others were much further along than I, and most of them, bless their fucking little hearts, were pregnant teenagers shopping with their mothers.  I also felt like a fraud because after two miscarriages, I still do not toally believe in happily ever afters for my own life.  I am getting better, but I am not yet a brazenly proud pregnant woman.

So far, I live in my 4 pairs of Lands End yoga pants.  They have a full elastic waist and are very, very comfortable.  I tried on some “maternity” pants today and felt disheartened.  The ”large” size fits just perfectly (and was oooooh so comfortable) but if I put on a pound, they would not fit; the “extra-large” size looks like a tent.  I left with some clearance maternity underwear, a bra extender, and four long-sleeve t-shirts.   I also didn’t yell at, punch, or give dirty looks to all the knocked up teen-agers with their perfectly healthy pregnancies.   

I have not posted in a while because I have succumbed to progesterone poisoning in the form of migraines.  If I don’t catch them in time, I end up back in pukapalooza, which is awful.  I am also up for my third-year review (a.k.a. the “pre-tenure” review in academia) and had planned to work on my materials over winter break.  Instead, I spent my break puking and sleeping, so I had three days to get everything together.  Stress also exacerbates the migraines, which trigger the nausea, which lead to dehydration, which triggers the migraines . . . . I think you can see why I wasn’t posting much. 

I had my monthly appointment with my mid-wife and I am all scheduled for my s/he beastie ultrasound on 29 February.  Everything looks good and I am slowing starting to gain weight (only 4 lbs so far after pukapalooza slowed down but, alas, has not yet gone away). 

Wee-beastie, as I have discovered with my doppler, has quite a lot of room now in utero, but likes to hang out right at my public bone and kick my bladder.  It seems like all I do is pee these days.  My midwife was looking all over for the heartbeat and I assured her it would be wedged right under my public bone: behold the great wee-beastie, kicking away!  She said wee-beastie is now the size of my palm, from head to toe.  Amazing.

Next week, I have to call human resources and figure out my maternity leave.  (Materity leave!?!?!)  My midwife also suggested that it was time to sign up for child-birth and breastfeeding classes.  (Child-brith and breastfeeding classes !?!?!)  The hospital wants you to have completed everything by 30 weeks, so I guess it really isn’t too early.

It is starting to sink in that this baby may really happen.