I just POAS again.

It is a faaaaaaint positive.

Or an evaporation line.

FUCK.

I am off to buy more tests and force myself to pee.

UPDATE:

Testing at 8PM with (obviously) non-first morning urine:

Babyhopes.com HPT = faaaint positive

Dollarstore HPT = faaaint positive

First Response Early Response HPT = negative

I am only 10dpo, so I will retest in the morning.

I stopped spotting a few hours after I started. That was Thursday night.

My temperature shot up this morning into what I call “the pregnancy range” (i.e. it only goes this high when I am pregnant).

I have taken seven HPTs since Wednesday (yes, that is indeed more than one per day) and all are negative.

I HATE this.

I was wearing nice pants and thong underwear (in order to avoid the dreaded VPL) today. I was on campus all day (it is 9:30PM and I just got home) and just realized that I am spotting. Thank goodness it just started, because it didn’t make a huge mess. However, it is still pretty alarming to spot red in the middle of your cycle a week before your period is due.

I plugged the “spotting” into my fertility software and here is what it told me:

“Spotting at this time of your cycle may indicate (and let’s face it, MC, you are not all that lucky as far as fertility-related things go so you really should pretty much just ignore this) that you are pregnant. This is referred to as ‘implantation spotting’ and can occur when the fertilized egg burrows into the uterine wall (endometrium). You are in the post-ovulatory infertile phase of your cycle.”

Holy message. Holy uterine cramps. Holy mind fuck.

p.s. I am trying not to be upset that only two people want cool stuff from me. Come on people!! FREE STUFF!?!?

I am 6dpo into the 2ww.   Why, it is just freakin’ wonderful, thank you for asking.

Guess what is due on November 1st?  Uh, huh.

Guess what November 1st is? (hint: look at the title of the post)  Yup.  I’m turning 33.

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeee

I’m soon thirty-threeeeeeeee

I’ve been pregnant twiiiiiiiiice

And still no babyyyyyyyyy

I went to the dentist yesterday. The dentist as in the person who cleans and cares for your teeth. I thought I was safe from miscarriage/pregnancy/fertility talk. I was wrong.

I have one cavity, gingivitis and one cracked filling. “Golly jeepers,” I said to the hygienist, “how does one crack a filling?” “You,” she replied sternly, “are a clencher and a grinder.” This, in case you are wondering, is not a good thing to be. And for those of you with a dirty mind, she means my jaw.

I got the lecture about flossing (okay!), using Listerine twice a day (okay!), wearing a night guard (ew, but okay!), and getting my cavity filled (fuck! okay!). After the “YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR LETTING YOUR MOUTH ROT LIKE THIS” lecture, she asked what happened to my previous mouthguard. I explained that I had lost it when we moved and last year I didn’t get another one made because I was pregnant and very, very gaggy. It just slipped out, I swear. “That’s okay, they now make new ones that only go over your front four teeth to cut down on the gagging,” she explained without missing a beat. I was relieved, not about the size of the stupid mouth guard, but that she didn’t ask about the pregnancy.

I thought I was done, that I would be able to get through a fucking dental appointment without being reminded that both my pregnancies have miserably failed, and then she did it. She smiled that smile that people smile when they are going to say something sentimental and sweet. “The nausea is all worth it, though, isn’t it? How old is your baby now?”

Fuck.

The hygienist, who knows my saga, quietly explained to the dentist that my uterus is a hospice for embryos (in that they only go there to die). It was obvious that they both felt awful. Well, good, because so did I.

I can’t schedule my filling appointment until I know if I am pregnant or not this cycle, because the procedure can be “risky” during the first trimester. Given my past, I do not need to add anything risky to the formula. Although I am tempting to get a t-shirt printed that says “MY DENTAL FILLINGS KILLED MY FETUS.” Either that or “BAJINGO DENTATA.”*

*If you are not fortunate enough to know what a bajingo dentata is, please click here for the non-MC version of the term.

Okay, today I got an unmistakably positive OPK, so yesterday was just a false-alarm of sorts.

We still did the deed, of course. This isn’t just sex; this is sex with someone who just had the entire upper-half of his right lung scraped about a month ago in a procedure known as a pleurectomy. As you can imagine, the operation and recovery were a wee bit painful. Last night he had to take some painkillers, because damn!!! if I am not just that good!!! because he was not very comfortable. Poor guy. Mr. MC is a real trooper, especially considering my demands needs wants polite requests for sex-on-demand.

I am over the purse. I like it, I really do, but after seeing one of my students carrying it today (a sure-fire way to ruin anything for a professor), I realized that it is a little to bohemian for my super-uptight anal retentive taste.

Instead, I have moved onto this necklace:

I think I got a positive OPK (it is well established that I am awful at reading the bloody things); if it isn’t positive, it is pretty darn close. Yes, I should have other things on my mind.

Instead, I am obsessive over a handbag.

Thoughts? [I tried to post a poll, but WordPress only wants me to use their poll, which, of course, costs money.]

While you are pondering the necessity of this obvious non-necessity, Mr. MC and I will be, well, you know (cue 70s porn music).

Christmas Eve.

New Year’s Eve.

Here at my house it is Fertility Eve.

I am on CD11. Let the games begin.

I refreshed my stock of OPKs, so I have plenty o’ pee sticks for the near future. I am all stocked up on Preseed. I have been religiously taking my 7AM temperature for the past seven days, and I am actively not worrying about the fact that it looks like Zorro’s signature instead of a nice, subtle decline into the low 97.somethings.

The colitis flare is — for the moment — under control. I came off of a 6-day steroid taper Friday and so far, so good.

Perhaps the most important part of the equation is breathing on his own, out of the hospital, and back to work.

Things are actually much better with Mr. MC and the animals, so now my colon has decided that it is really craving some attention. It is acting up; cue ulcerative colitis symptoms.

Usually after an stressful or emotional time, my gastro-intestinal system takes a week to get angry at me. The past few days I have noticed that things were, uh, not headed in a good direction (gas, bloating, etc…) but today it was undeniable that something not good is happening.

We are taking off this month anyway, so I popped my colitis medicine to see if I can get this thing under control as soon as possible. If my colitis is flaring, trying to conceive is out of the question, so here’s hoping it will calm back down in a few days. I also need to completely cut out the caffeine, both for fertility and for colon-happiness.

I also have to call my RE and see if Mr. MC’s regular use of painkillers could pose any sort of problem for next cycle. I assume everything will be okay, but I just want to hear that the RE is not concerned. Mr. MC really needs them, and if we need to wait longer, we certainly will.

I have waited over a year to get pregnant with a healthy baby — in the larger scheme of things what is a few more months?

Mr. MC came home from the hospital on Wednesday afternoon. He is still in a lot of pain but happy to be home.

The cat and dog are doing much better, too.

I thought I ovulated the day after my positive OPK, but apparently my body did indeed register the stress. My temp went up a little making me think it was a done deal, but this morning it went back down. I took an OPK this evening because I am just very curious (still no sex this cycle) and it is not positive, but the second test line is very dark. It has to be the stress, right? Right? Right? RIGHT?? I just don’t want to be developing some sort of post-miscarriage #2 ovulation problem, and last month was already a little funky with the super-delayed temperature shift. I think I am going to up my dose of Vitex.

Can you tell I am a little anxious? I think it is a delayed reaction to everything from last week.

6. I can take all the Mucinex, antihistamines, and decongestants I want. Ragweed is blooming here and I am miserable. Last time this year I was pregnant and all I could do was use a saline nasal rinse several times a day. Now I can haul out the big guns and drug myself into non-sneezing oblivion.

My temperature — finally — took a nose dive this morning so even though my period has not yet started, it is certainly on its way. The ambiguity was driving me crazy; now at least I know what is going on.

I am disappointed, of course, but relieved to be out of menstrugatory/purstruation. I am having a nice, large caffeinated latte this afternoon followed by copious amounts of wine this evening.

I am also reading my Rick Steve’s guides to Paris and Spain (Madrid and Barcelona), just to tempt myself with a preview of all the fun to come.

For now, however, I am going to the mall to go shopping and stare enviously at all the teenage mothers (for their obviously fertility, not their situation) and women who, by my age, already have four healthy children.

My temperature went up this morning; I spotting again; I got another negative pregnancy test.

It’s official: my body likes to fuck with me.

Two surprises: I dislike ambiguity more than I dislike bad news; a bigger part of me wants to go to Europe than I previously thought.

(Oh, I should mention that not only is the trip to Europe free but I actually get paid to go. Granted, it is a “working vacation, but still. Paid to go to Europe, ladies.)

I am tired of (pre) menstrugatory / purgstruation (menstruation + purgatory).

According to my OPK results, I am between 12dpo and 13dpo; according to my temperature rise, I am between 10dpo and 11dpo.

Normally, this would not really be a big deal.  In the scheme of things, being able to determine that I am somewhere between 10-13dpo is actually pretty good.

Except today it really, really sucks.

I woke up this morning, took my HPT (negative) and then realized I was bleeding.  I assumed that my period was starting, except that as soon as the bleeding started, it seemed to stop.

If I am 13dpo, it is probably just premenstrual spotting.  I have a very regular 14-day luteal phase (and months of charts to document this), so spotting on day 13 is not abnormal for me.

If I am 10dpo, however, it could be (all together now!!) implantation spotting.

Usually my temperature drops the day before my period, but it is still up today.

Ignorance is not bliss.   

Let me preface this post with this: I really, really, really want to be pregnant.

Today I had to start making plans for my European trip in March and now I am very excited to travel.  I went last year and had an amazing time, even though Mr. MC was not able to go with me.  This year I will travel to Spain and France and the trip will be amazing (I should know as I did most of the planning myself).

If I am pregnant (2 more negative HPTs today) this cycle, the trip is not going to work because I will be too far along (ha!! she thinks: wishful thinking!) to travel internationally.  I was pregnant the same time last year (miscarriage #1) and had a trip to Europe planned for the same time that my OB was not very happy about.  A moot point because I found out I had a blighted ovum two weeks later, but I don’t think flying around the world in the third-trimester sans husband is ever really a good idea.

So, I would not go so far as to say that I do not want to get pregnant this cycle.  If I am, I will be thrilled.  If I am not, however, this probably means that I can go to Europe.  Given my history, I feel awful for even letting a part of me be okay with not being pregnant, but the truth is, a part of me will be okay — perhaps even a little happy? — if I get pregnant in the next few months instead of this month.

I have decided to compromise between Fertility Friend and Ovusoft and peg my ovulation on Monday, August 20th. This means that I got to live 9dpo all over again today, complete with breast tenderness, cramping, and a blindingly white negative pregnancy test.

The good news is that school has started, so I am too busy to really commit to the insanity/obsession of the tww full-time now. Explaining the nuances of the female menstrual cycle to a lecture hall full of first-semester freshmen would be very unprofessional and completely off topic; having them vote my potential date of ovulation just might be grounds for dismissal.

Here is my chart complete with ovulation override. Any thoughts?

In no particular order:

1. Increasing my chances of getting to go to Europe in March (if I am pregnant this cycle and the embryo actually lives this time I will probably not be allowed to fly by mid-March)

2. One more month of losing weight (down 9 lbs so far!!)

3. One more month to pay down our debt

4. One more month of getting to drink lots and lots of wine

5. One more month of getting to eat delicious soft-cheeses

Okay, that is all I can come up with.

So much for this exercise in positive thinking.

The Europe-thing is pretty big (Spain and France) but I will be more than happy to postpone my trip if I am still pregnant at that point (and we all know how well that has worked out the past two times).

My body, the same body I have lived in for the past 32 years, still confounds me.

I am 9dpo and have already taken 4 5 (one at 7dpo and 8dpo; two this morning — different brands, just to be sure — and one this afternoon) HPTs and gotten negative results all four times. Yes, I know it is early. Yes, I am a masochist for testing this early and this often. Yes, I have a problem.

Here’s the kicker: I do have “symptoms” but these “symptoms” (I put the word in quotations because I am not sure this isn’t all psychosomatic) only seem to appear in cycles when I am not pregnant. The two times I was pregnant I had the sore breasts and cramps, but only after I got a positive test. The months where I cramp and have horribly sore breasts just about this time in the cycle, the results are never good.

I had cramps so badly these past two days that I seriously considered putting on a pantyliner, just in case. My breasts are also sore, but not too painful. I am peeing all the time, but that could also be residual UTI irritation.

Why do PMS and early pregnancy share exactly the same list of symptoms? Couldn’t evolution have figured out a way to let us know we are pregnant?

“Well, Jill, my left toe is swollen again and my earlobes are burning — I must be pregnant!”

Update:  Just to add to the insanity, I typed in all of my information into FertilityFriend and it only thinks I am 7dpo — a two day difference.  This tww is dragging on seemingly forever.

Pee, pee, the magic juice

The more you test, the more you deduce

The more you deduce the better you’ll feel

(Unless you are a total freak and test waaaaaay to early in your tww for there to really even be anything but, hey, you never know, right?)

So pee on sticks before your morning meal!

. . . . .

Pee, pee the magic sage

If you get the wrong answer, it might evoke rage

So pee on your sticks but please beware

Not to get pee on your underwear

. . . . .

Pee, pee the magic sauce

But it can’t predict a pregnancy loss

You may feel great when you see that line

But it won’t guarantee that things will be fine

. . . . .

Pee, pee — a magic elixir?

But we don’t know what’s wrong, so how can we fix ‘er?

Just cross your fingers and hold your breath

That this one doesn’t end in death

I hate the two-week wait. It is so unbelievably awful and makes you feel like you are slowly going crazy.

Right after ovulation, once you get the thermal shift or know that you have ovulated, there is very little temptation to test because you know that it is way to early to know anything. It is impossible for there to be any symptoms yet (for those who get early symptoms) because it is too early for anything exciting to have implanted yet.

5-9 days past ovulation an especially awful period. Implantation usually takes place between days 7 and 10, so this would not be too early for something to have implanted, but probably too early for any HCG to actually appear in your pee in any detectable levels. It is the halfway point and you feel like you are slowly going crazy. Are you feeling a pain in your left-hand side (yes, but it has been there since before I ovulated and is probably a cyst)? Are you cramping? Did you temperature take a slight dip? (Mine has not yet this cycle — believe me, I am watching for it) Is that an implantation dip? Is there even such a thing as an implantation dip? If an implantation dip happens in the forest and there is no one there to obsess about it, is it really an implantation dip?

The third phase (based on a 14-day luteal phase) is 9 to 13 days past ovulation. Now you have to answer the evil question: to test or not to test. There are two schools of thought: it is better to start POAS as soon as possible or it is better to wait and test as late as possible. The first will satiate your urge to POAS, but if you are not pregnant you will have to endure a lot of glaringly white HPTs; the second will allow you to remain hopeful for a few more days, but the drama of taking that one test can completely push you over the edge. The last phase is full of challenges: if you have a string of negative tests, you will probably be ready to accept the inevitable; if you have waited to test, the combination of raging PMS and the negative test can wreck havoc on your emotional state.

Once your temperature drops, you start spotting (if you spot) or you start your period, usually the PMS has abated but then it really sinks in: I am not pregnant. (If the PMS has not abated, this statement is probably preceded or followed by lots of swear words and/or tears).

I am 5 days past ovulation and I already feel my sanity crumbling. I have over-analyzed all of my past charts (pregnancy and non-pregnancy) to see how alike/different they are from the previous cycle. I have obsessed over the fact that it took several days for my temperature to go up and wondered if our timing, due to the UTI debacle, completely takes us out of the running. I have read all the sources I can find that talk about slow temperature rises (Fertility Friend and Peeonastick) and have learned almost nothing. I even plugged in all of my information to Fertility Friend to see if they came up with a different ovulation date to no avail (the result was inconclusive).

I hate, hate, hate, hate this: 9 days until it is over.