(in no particular order)

1.  going to my ultrasound on Tuesday and finding nothing

2. going to my ultrasound on Tuesday and finding one sac, but finding nothing alive a week+ later

3.  going to my ultrasound on Tuesday and finding more than one sac, but finding nothing alive a week+ later

4. going to my ultrasound on Tuesday and finding more than one sac, and having them all turn into take-home-babies

5. whether I can travel internationally from weeks 32-34, assuming something sticks

6. tenure requirements (i.e. how I am going to publish as much as I need to)

7. whether my colitis is going to stop acting up if this pregnancy progresses

I have no idea what this means, except that my HCG levels more than doubled.

If you have been there,  you know that the days and weeks after your (first) loss are excruciating.  You are sad.  You are angry.  You are empty.

The only people that understand, really understand, are those that have been there.

If you have been there, here is someone who is muddling through that awful time right now.

4w/1d (about 15dpo) = 310 HCG

Ultrasound shows a corpus luteum on the right ovary and a thick endometrial lining; nothing else is visible this early.

Repeat draw on Thursday.  Next appointment is a week from today for another ultrasound.

HCG level is, according to the nurse, very, very good.  According to Dr. Google, I am off the charts for a singleton pregnancy, but  I am not going there right now.  One thing at a time.

I am exactly 4 weeks pregnant, which, given that this is a miscarriage blog, means a whole lot of nothing.  No nausea (yet); just cramping and very sore boobs.

I am taking my prenatal vitamin (I actually never stopped), extra B6 and folic acid, baby aspirin, and the Lovenox shots.  I go into the RE tomorrow for my blood draw and to get all of my prescriptions.  I have been peeing on sticks and the lines are progressively getting darker.

I told my mom, which was a relief.  I am terrible at lying and since I see her nearly every day (she watches S while I teach) it would be hard to hide anything from her.

Pregnant, for now.

Faint line at 10dpo.

I am still in shock.  Mr. MC just said “wow.”

I was riding home on the bus and the urge to pee on a stick was just overwhelming.

I knew it was too early, but I just couldn’t help myself.

My cheapo tests are not here yet so I used a First Response ( = $$) to test on 7-8 dpo.

I know this is not going to shock you, but it was negative.

Then I ripped the test apart and really looked at it.

Still negative.

I hate the two-week-wait; it turns me into a lunatic.

(… and then I went upstairs and fished it out of the garbage to have another look.  Still negative.  Pathetic. )

I do not know exactly where I am in this cycle.  I think right now I am about 5 or 6 days past ovulation.  I am itching to test already.  I have some of the expensive tests upstairs but I wanted some cheap ones so that I could start testing on Wednesday (which will be 9-10 days past ovulation) before my trip to NYC.  I went to the Dollar Tree to buy their super-reliable-yet-conveniently-inexpensive tests.  They were out.  OUT!  As in, not a one of them in sight.  I searched everywhere.   I moved boxes and boxes of dollar douche.  Nothing.  Nada.

They are still available on their website, but I think ordering a box of 72 might be overkill.

How can the Dollar Tree be OUT of pregnancy tests?  Where are all the teen-age mothers and I in my town to obtain our super-reliable-yet-conveniently-inexpensive HPTs?  Blasphemy, I tell you.

p.s. I went on-line and ordered some from Babyhopes.com.  I will not test until they arrive.  I will not test until they arrive.  I will not test until they arrive.

… except that she doesn’t know what she wants.

I honestly don’t know what to think.  I am mostly likely not pregnant, but I could be.

The odds are against it.  I know this.  Yet, unprotected sex on day 12 (I thought it was day 13; I had miscounted) when you have regular 30-day cycles is a “highly fertile” time.   Besides, I tend to defy the odds.

I don’t know if I want to be pregnant or not.

I have a great plan to lose weight.  I am still 30+ lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with S and I really want to get rid what I am now referring to as “breastfeeding weight.”  I don’t fit in any clothes and I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror.  Who wants to start a pregnancy weighing the most they have ever weighed?  The weight is coming off but slowly.   Very, very, very slowly.

A positive pregnancy test also does not mean baby.  I could have another miscarriage.  I could have hyperemesis again.   I could vomit and vomit and vomit and still have a miscarriage.  I don’t “do” pregnancy well.  Yet, I look at S and know it was all worth it.

I don’t know what I want.  I think — if this is even possible — that a negative test would leave me utterly relieved  and very disappointed.

I am supposed to take a group of students to Europe in May.  I have already figured out an EDD to make sure I could board an international flight.  I would be 32 weeks, which would make travel doable but probably rather uncomfortable.   I feel ridiculous for looking up an EDD for a pregnancy that does not even exist yet.

I also HATE the two-week wait.

I am trying to focus on other things and failing miserably.

Here is what I do know: I am not going to test for 10 more days.

How’s this for funny? I am in the 2ww.  Yep.

No, it wasn’t on purpose; it just kinda … happened.  I didn’t really even think anything of it until I realized I was on day 13 of my cycle and we had not used a condom.  Oops.

Statistically, of course, you have only a 20% chance of getting pregnant for any given cycle, even with perfect timing.

It’s just that it would be fantastically bad timing for me professionally and thus I am preparing myself.  I know the odds are against me, but it only takes one time and, for me, the one time in my life I have unprotected sex while not actively trying to get pregnant … well, it feels like I just tempted fate.

I started taking baby aspirin, took some extra folic acid along with my usual prenatal, and bought some pregnancy tests at Target.  So, um, yeah, wow.

Update:  I leave for NYC on the 13th of November for what was supposed to be a raucous good time, complete with lots of gin and tonics.  I will test on the 12th, which will be about 13 dpo, to see if I can, um, drink.