My doppler came in the mail and I freakin’ love it. 

LOVE IT.

It is so worth the $20 a month to be able to hear wee-beastie’s heart SWOOSH-WOOSHING whenever I want.  At first, it was a little difficult to find over my own heartbeat, but now I can find its little heart-beat in a few seconds. 

The only “problem” (if, after two miscarriages, you can even call this a “problem”) is that wee-beastie does not like staying still.  As soon as I locate that little SWOOSH-WOOSHING, s/he moves away and/or kicks, which makes an awful thump-y, static-y noise.  I could just lay around all day and listen to that little heartbeat, but apparently humoring me and staying still is just too much to ask.  

I ordered mine through Babybeat.com (a big that you to Vacant Womb for the recommendation and the coupon code!!) and I am very, very pleased.  I rented it for three months, so hopefully by the time my contract expires, wee-beastie will be discernibly kicking away.     

I also had to do the unthinkable this week:

I had to ask for maternity leave for next fall. 

More on that later. 

I caved yesterday and called my OB’s office for a doppler appointment today.  My ability to manage my anxiety lasts just about a week, and then it starts to get the best of me.   

The heartrate was a strong 153, and there were lots of kicks and karate-punches being thrown in the background, judging from all the static we were hearing.  My OB held the wand perfectly still to demonstrate how active wee-beastie was this morning; I was impressed that I could not feel a thing.

My ultra-screen results were fantastic: I bottomed the odds out at <10,000 odds for trisomy 18 and 21.  The combination of bloodwork and the ultrasound are over 90% accurate, so this is very good news.  The only other screening test (aside from the routine ones like glucose) is an AF protein test at the end of the second trimester.  I am not going to do an amnio as my risks for complications far outweigh my risks of any abnormality.   

My OB is okay with me getting a home doppler, as long as I promised not to obsess over the details.  She thought it might ease my anxiety, and that is always a good thing.  My thyroid is also behaving, so all the bone-crushing fatigue was just pregnancy and the fact that I was subsisting on a spectacularly crappy diet.   

I have felt cramping off and on, and she is quite sure it is just things stretching.  I can just barely feel my uterus above my pubic bone, although I look like I have a pronounced tummy as I have a bulge right at belly-button level. 

My next OB appointment is a week from Friday, and then we get to schedule the 18-20 week anatomy scan, or what I am now going to refer to as the “he-beastie or she-beastie scan de luxe.” 

Last Tuesday it happened, just like everyone said it would.  I woke up and it was as if someone had “flipped a switch” and the worst of the nausea was gone.  I still get waves of nausea, but the worst of it is over.  Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!   

Smells are no longer a major trigger, but showers still are, which baffles me.  Showers, before this pregnancy, used to leave me feeling clean and refreshed.  Now, they make me feel even more nauseous, to the point where I actually threw-up in the shower last night.   

Last week, I also felt, I think, wee-beastie kicking.  It felt exactly like someone “blowing bubbles on the inside,” as I have often heard it described.  I can’t be sure, though, because it is not a regular thing.  I am 15w4d, so hopefully wee-beastie will start asserting his/her presence more authoritatively in the next few weeks.

It has been one week since clinical confirmation that all is well with wee-beastie, and I am about at my limit.  I am jonesing for a doppler check or, even better, an ultrasound.  I am trying to hold out until Friday, though, as I have classes to teach and students to advise in the meanwhile.  I really want a home doppler, but I fear that I will either drive myself crazy with it or get nothing else done.           

I went to my OB’s office today because they said I could stop by anytime and listen to wee-beastie’s the heartbeat on a doppler if I wanted to.  Well, I needed a fix, so I stopped by.  After waiting for awhile, the nurse told me it was going to be longer than anticipated and Rob (the AWESOME receptionist) asked if I didn’t just want a sonogram downstairs instead.  Why, I would love another sonogram! 

As you can see from this picture, wee-beastie has figured out how to deal with all the nasty hormones.  I am pumping myself full of fluids and anti-emetics; s/he just flips over and tickles his/her forehead with his/her toes and apparently this makes everything fantastic.  Wee-beastie also had a good heartrate but was not so keen on moving around, except to get that other bloody leg back into a supine position.

My problem is that there is no way — even at the height of my yoga practicing — that I could ever do this pose.   

Technically it is called hyperemesis gravidarum, but I like to call it pukeapalooza.  Its not that I was vomiting excessively (once or twice a day), it is just that between pukes, I was so nauseated I could not get out of bed or eat/drink.   

Whatever you call it, it aint’ fun.  I have thrown up more during this pregnancy than I have in all my life before.   

I started throwing up everything on Tuesday, even with the Zofran, and could not even keep down liquids.  All the tricks I had been using so far – B6, Unisom, acupuncture bands, saltines, etc… — were not doing a thing.  My urine was also so dark yellow that it looked almost brown, so the on-call midwife sent us to the ER.

4 Zofran doses, 2 potassium bags, 2 Ringers (fluid + dextrose), and one saline bag later, I still felt awful, so they decided to admit me as I was still nauseous and had another migraine starting.  I celebrated by throwing up the minute I got to my new room. 

After 5 more Ringers, mega-doses of morphine, and a new anti-emetic, I felt like a new woman.  All of a sudden I woke up at 3AM on Friday morning absolutely starving.  I was, for the first time in 7+ weeks, not nauseous and really, really hungry.  The nurse brought me a veritable feast (jello, turkey sandwich, gingerale, vanilla wafers) and I dined like a queen. 

My OB is not sure of the hyperemesis was causing the migraines or if the migraines were causing the hyperemesis, but they sent me home with strong painkillers for my head, a new antiemetic, and home IV therapy for a week.  (Yes, Mr. MC and I now know how to start and change an IV all by ourselves!)  They give me my multi-vitamin and B6 right through the IV to ensure that even if I am not eating much,  wee-beastie and I are getting important nutrients.

The good news is that I have not thrown up since I was admitted to my hospital room.  I was 14 weeks on Thursday, so perhaps this was just the last hoorah?  I still get queasy, but I imagine this is what a ”normal” pregnancy feels like.  For now, all I want to do is eat cereal (Coco Krispies!) and sleep. 

I also got to see wee-beastie again when they ordered an ultrasound of my gallbladder.  My OB kindly ordered an OB ultrasound as well, just to allow me to see that the pregnancy was fine.  Wee-beastie was moving all around, kicking its legs and moving its arms, completely oblivous to all the drama going on outside. 

Classes start on Monday so I get to go to campus with a heparin-lock (the part of the IV that goes into you) on my left hand.                

WARNING: The following post is full of self-pity, whining, and pregnancy-related complaints.   

I have been having marathon sleep sessions (i.e. I woke up today at 2:45PM after going to bed at midnight).  When I try and venture out, I get light-headed, hot, and faint.  I have had more bad headaches in the past two weeks than I have in the past year.  I have been super-nauseous — STILL.  I have been vomiting — STILL.  I am still religiously taking the Zofran so I can not even imagine how bad I would be without the antiemetic.   

I am 14 weeks on Thursday.  If I do not start to feel better soon, I am terrified of what will happen next week when classes start.

Oy. 

We had the NT test today and the measurement was 1.2mm, which I think is nice and thin.  The CRL was 70.6mm at 12w6d, so it actually measured 3+ days ahead of schedule.  I had 6 vials of blood taken today, so now we just wait for the results of that testing.   

My OB appointment on Monday went well, too, with all my girly parts looking “normal.”

I would not go as far as to say that I am relaxed about this pregnancy, but I feel myself unclench a little when I realize I will be 13 weeks tomorrow. 

The nausea, while still present, has gotten better.  Most importantly, I have stopped vomiting.   

My family situation still stresses me out, as does all the work I have to do to catch up for being sick for a month, but I will manage.  Wee-beastie is alive and growing (and moving all around actually!) so that makes all of this a little easier to tolerate. 

At my next ultrasound (18-20 weeks), we should be able to tell if wee-beastie is a she-beastie or a he-beastie.  I think knowing the gender will help it all feel a little more real. 

UPDATE:

I spoke to soon.  The puking phase has not yet past and as is now my pattern, I have a migraine starting.  Just about the only thing making me feel better is the thought that Jamie Lynn Spears and Jessica Alba are probably still puking, too.  Word of the day? Schadenfreude. 

The shit hit the fan this past two weeks.

This Christmas easily qualified as the Worst. Christmas. Ever.  I will be sure to give you all the juicy details later, I promise.

On the wee-beastie front, I am still puking at 12.5 weeks.  As of Friday, I have also developed a new trick whereby vomiting is now a migraine trigger.  I spent last night in the ER getting pumped full of fluids, IV Zofran, potassium, and hydrocodone.  Yes, you can indeed take Vicodin when you are pregnant. 

I have my first OB appointment tomorrow, and if they don’t find a heartbeat via doppler, I am going to demand a stat ultrasound.  Wee-beastie is probably my sanest blood-relative at this point. 

They plowed our street today about noon, leaving me with plenty of time to get to the OB’s office for my ultrasound.

The enire time I was at her office, I kept reliving the blighted ovum of yore.  Same parking lot; same appointment time; same room; same sonogram machine, same sonographer.  (For miscarriage #2 I only had my sonograms at the hospital so I am sure that anxiety will come later.) 

This time, insead of an empty sac, we had an actual baby.  An actual baby with a heartbeat (176bpm), moving arms, and a squirmy body. 

Old wives’ say lots of puking and/or a high heart rate mean a girl.  It’s too early to tell (and what the hell do old wives know anyway, right?) but I have both of those.  We will name her, if it is a her, after my husband’s bubbe; if it is a boy, we will be kind enough not to name him after a Jewish grandmother.     

I am having my “first” (like this is the first time and M.D. will examine my bajingo) OB appointment on 31st of January, and the nuchal-fold test — that I specifically had to request?? — sometime later that week. 

Holy fuck — and I didn’t even need to kill the snowplow man. 

Most of my days can be divided into three groupings:

1) Sleeping

2) Throwing Up

3) Trying Not to Throw Up

The last part can further be subdivided into three groupings:

a) Wondering if just throwing up will make me feel better

b) Complaining about all the throwing up

c) Attempting to get actual work done

Do you want to read about this?  I don’t think anyone does.

It snowed here and they have not plowed our street yet.  Come 3:30 (when I have an ultasound scheduled) they had better have plowed my fucking street or I am going to kill somebody if I can’t get to that appointment.

I am also scheduled to go out of town tomorrow and fly halfway across the country to give a talk on Wednesday that I haven’t written yet.  The fun never ends.

Instead of working on the presentation, I think I am going to lay down and rest from the puke-fest this morning.  This kid had better still be alive this afternoon.   

I keep repeating this to my stomach, but it really doesn’t care to listen.

“Down not up.  Down not up.  Down not up.”

I just threw up my breakfast, my B6, and my Zofran.

I am now going to pretend I live in Canada and make my very own Diclectin (Unisom + B6).  Yet another reason to hate the American F.D.A.

I would pretty, pretty, pretty please like to go to sleep and wake up in the second trimester with a healthy fetus and a settled stomach.

I am 9w6d today.  I only have 13 Zofran tablets left, and a refill costs $311.00, which is a lot of money to drop during the holidays.  I am hoping that this will go away in the next few weeks?

Please, please, please tell me when your nausea/vomiting ended or at least became tolerable?

Even though I have a DVD of an ultrasound from yesterday showing a “perfect” (per Dr. SBS) 9w4d embryo, I am still worrying.

In order to get these things off of my mind, and in no particular order:

1) Wee-beastie was not moving, as far as I can tell. Others who have posted about their ultrasounds have noted their fetbryos moving all around and waving their little limb buds. WB has limb buds, but was not doing a jig, a polka, or any other fancy dancing.

2) Wee-beastie was measuring ahead of the game by two days up until this week. Now, things correspond perfectly with my LMP but perhaps WB is not growing as well and we lost two days from last week to this week?

3) Watching my doctor measure CRL makes me think he cheated a little so it would be 6w4d. I would let you watch the video, but it does look like he “adds” a little just so the dates match up. Or I am a paranoid lunatic.

I think I am going to ask my OB for another sonogram next Monday. I have to travel out of town next week for business, and this will drive me bat-shit crazy(-ier) if I have to wait until after Christmas for a wanding.

Yes, I still have horrible nausea and no, I didn’t sleep well last night. I think both of those things are contributing to the paranoid lunatic/bat-shit crazy state.

Update: I called my OB’s office and asked to be wanded. The receptionist, Ron (a male receptionist), knows me well due to the previous miscarriages. “Are you having any spotting or bleeding?” he asked. “No … , I am just very anxious about this pregnancy,” I explained. “Well,” he said, “that sounds to me like a perfectly good reason for an ultrasound. We will get you in next Monday, and then afterwards we can schedule your first official prenatal exam.” I love him.

Dr. SBS saw me for my appointment today instead of a PA or nurse-practitioner. Usually, when the doctor comes in, it is not good news. Instead, this was just my “graduation” appointment; I have been returned to the care of my regular OB. He is advising that I be “scanned” throughout the pregnancy (thank you!!) and that I continue the Lovenox/baby aspirin until week 36.

Heart-rate is still good at 176bpm and is measuring right on track at 9w4d. We got lots of images of wee-beastie and then — here is where he became my crack-cocaine dealer — video of the entire ultrasound complete with 3D images that I can watch on my home computer and audio of the heartbeat.

Wee-beastie had its hands up in front of its face, trying, I can only assume, not to vomit from the hormones just like me.

My “morning” sickness is much, much worse in the evening.  MUCH worse.

I take my thyroid medicine in the morning and I have to wait 4-6 hours to take my prenatal vitamin because the iron can impact how the thyroid medicine is metabolized.

I did not take my prenatal at the usual time last night and felt, relatively speaking, of course, okay.  Still gaggy but not actively dry heaving.

Then it dawned on me: I think my prenatal vitamin is exacerbating my nausea?

So, I did a fancy experiment.  I took half my vitamin last night and waited.  Behold, an hour later I was back in bed, dry heaving and curled up moaning in the fetal position.

I take supplemental folic acid every morning, so I am thinking that perhaps I should switch to children’s chewable vitamins?

Has anyone else experiences this?  What did you do?

I have stayed in bed most of today and most of this week, except when I have to drag myself to campus to teach class, because I am so. very. nauseated. I have the dry heaves most of the day and while not actually vomiting, I feel like if I let my guard down, it will be all over. I hate to throw-up, so this is an exercise in sheer force of will. This is all, of course, while on the Zofran. Without the Zofran, there would be no contest.

I still have free stuff to send to people (I did not forget!!), a meme I was tagged for, and a shitload of work to do before the end of the semester. For now, my goal is just to make it through the day and not throw up.

The good news is that I am 9+ weeks pregnant, wee-beastie, as far as I know, is still alive, and this queasiness is so all-consuming that I do not have the energy to obsessively worry over the fate of this pregnancy.

In order of importance:

1) Wee-beastie is still alive and growing right on schedule — 8w6d today (2 days head of LMP calculations). The heart-rate is high — 182 bpm — but the physician’s assistant said that this is fine (she even used the word “perfect” again).

2) The Colace/fiber/increased fluid intake regimen worked. Finally.

3) My mother has decided not to leave my father. For now, at least. She still does not know I am pregnant, and I intend to keep it that way as long as possible.

WARNING: This is a TMI post. You will not be able to un-read it, so if TMI-y things tend to bother you, do not keep reading.

I knew about the sore breasts, the fatigue, and the nausea. I did not know about the constipation. It is in all my books as a “symptom” but I thought with my history of ulcerative colitis that I would cancel out the constipation and end up somewhere around normal. I was wrong.

It turns out that the progesterone capsules I shove up my bajingo twice a day can cause constipation. Even more dramatically, Zofran — the drug that allows me to only dry-heave my way through the work day instead of barfing myself silly at home — also causes constipation. The two of them teamed up and it is not pretty.

The only other time I have had this happen was post-miscarriages when I was pleasantly doped up on pain medicine every four hours. I took Colace (a stool-softener) then, too, and while I was uncomfortable, I was not physically miserable. This time, I fear I started the Colace too late.

I blew out my boh-poh.* I can barely walk and can only lay down in certain positions. I am bleeding and I am seriously considering putting an ice-pack on my ass. Why was I not warned that this could happen? With colitis, I thought not going to the bathroom for a day (or two?) was good news; this was not good news. This is horrible. Awful. Painful.

I am now taking fiber, Colace, and drinking lots and lots of fluids. Prune juice will make me ralph, but milk-of-magnesia is looking better and better. Hopefully, something will work and my boh-poh can heal.

My third ultrasound is tomorrow morning. Did you know that when you are very nervous you tend to clench your boh-poh? Why, neither did I until today. I have been practicing “conscious muscle relaxation” that I learned years ago in yoga. I am sure this is exactly the situation my teacher intended it for.

*My four-year-old friend Maya taught me this word. Some of you may know the same anatomy by the terms “butt-hole” or “anus” but I prefer “boh-poh” — it has a nice ring, eh?

To whomever at the Ferrara Pan Candy Company in Chicago, Illinois, invented the LemonHead Candy:

I, and the 27 students who attended my class today, thank you for creating your tart, suck-your-cheeks-together-in-sour-agony candy. It tastes good, yes, but more importantly, it can instantly quell the urge to vomit. As a women who hates to vomit, especially in front of a live audience, your candy is a lifesaver (metaphorically speaking, of course — your candy is MUCH better than a piece of crappy Lifesaver candy). The 1 cm size is a little large and can make lecturing difficult, but than again so can puking in the trash can at the front of the auditorium. Also, my wee-beastie — the cause of all this gagging and retching — is a little over 1 cm so it is, at least this week, a humorous parallel.

Your candy is awesome. You are awesome for inventing this magical antiemetic. How did women survive pregnancy before 1962? I humbly thank thee.

Most respectfully,

MissedConceptions

Hi there, folks- this is MC’s husband writing because he needs to share something:

I hate the pharmacist, and he freakin’ knows it now.

MC called in the refill for her HCG prescription well in advance of my going to pick it up at 5:30 PM this evening. When I got there, I found out that (whoops!) they had not only failed to fill the Rx, but they failed to TELL US that they couldn’t fill it. They told me that not only had they not filled the prescription, but that they were unable to indicate what other pharmacy in the same chain DID have it within driving distance.

Here’s what I said to the pharmacist telling me he couldn’t help me:

Please forgive me in advance for my bluntness: My wife has suffered through TWO miscarriages, so I’m not going to mince words about my desire to prevent a third. My wife needs to inject that prescription tomorrow morning, so here is what will happen: I will quietly sit down over in those chairs while you take a few minutes to call around to other local pharmacies until you find the one that can fill this prescription tonight- because I am not @#$%ing going home to my wife without it.

He made some calls and sent me to a sibling corporate pharmacy across town.

Asshole.

I felt like crying even before she put the dildo-cam in, but everything is okay. In the words of the ultra-sound technician, everything is actually “perfect” for 7w4-6d.  The embryo grew exactly one week’s worth (it is now 1.3cm) and has a heart rate of about 176 (she had to manually count as the particular machine did not have the audio function), which is well within the normal range (120-185bpm). It also has “limb buds,” which I think sounds like a great name for a band (as does “dildo-cam” and “fetal heart rate”).

The also drew blood to check my thyroid levels.

Is it rude to fall asleep in your own lecture-based class?

Yes, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but for now, and now is really all I can handle, it is still up in the air.