Ways To Ensure That My Next Pregnancy Will Be Successful

After watching daytime TV, I have come to the conclusion that we probably don’t need the genetic testing to figure out why I have miscarried twice. We clearly just need to radically alter our lifestyle in order to ensure healthy future pregnancies, because clearly the happy-marriage, steady-job, prenatal-vitamin-taking route doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere.

1. I need to start regularly using some illegal substance, preferably crack

2. My husband needs to start regularly using some illegal substance, preferably crack

3. I need to start beating my husband

4. My husband needs to start beating me

5. My husband needs to leave me for another woman

6. My husband needs to leave me for another man (but still keep sleeping with me in order to bring about successful pregnancy)

7. My husband needs to stay with me, but have an affair with another woman, who will get pregnant at the same time I do

8. I need to leave my husband for another man

9. I need to stay with my husband, but have an affair with another man, with whom I will immediately get pregnant with twins/triplets

10. My husband needs to lose/quit his job

11. I need to lose/quit my job

12. My husband and I need to figure out that we are distant cousins

13. My husband and I need to stop trying to get pregnant, and instead drink a lot of cheap beer/wine coolers, regularly have sex in the back of a car/at a frat party, and pray, pray, pray/cross our fingers that I don’t get pregnant

Anything I have missed? Feel free to post a comment!!


June 13, 2007. Attempts at Humor.


  1. artsweet replied:

    You could leave him for another woman (but still sleep with him). Need a volunteer ;-)?

  2. missedconceptions replied:

    I actually did have that, but I messed up my numbering and must have deleted it. I also put that should I leave him for another woman and not continue to sleep with him, that we would be fantastically successful with ART.

    Sorry for the edit — this is an equal opportunity daytime-TV inspired rant. 🙂

  3. DD replied:

    I read that less than 5% of women have more than 2 miscarriages? Wow! I am such a lucky woman! Literally 1 in a million!

    14. Move to a trailer park and buy a closet full of wife-beater t-shirts for the both of you.

  4. Muriel replied:

    You are a funny gal. Cracked me up! I love your blog!

  5. Mary replied:

    It took my husband and I 3 1/2 years to concieve… I was seriously considering several of these things at some point… Then I thought.. sheez.. If I wanted to have a baby, I should have started in high school.. then I could have gotten free college too!

  6. Gef the Talking Mongoose replied:

    Here’s how i got pregnant after five years of infertility:
    My husband got accepted to law school and quit his job, leaving me the sole breadwinner/mortgage payer/tuition payer/home maintenance person and everything else that didn’t involve studying for exams and working on the law journal.
    Three days after he got his acceptance letter to law school, I got a positive pregnancy test. It was the happiest I had ever been. It was the most anxious, exhausted, angry i had ever been. If I had $5 for every “friend” who warned me tnat my husband was going to dump me the second he got his degree, I would be richer than Bill Gates.
    Somehow, we survived. All three of us. Despite my husband breaking his promise to apply for law jobs as soon as he got his degree. Instead, he took TWO year-long, non-paying clerkships with federal judges.
    Our son was five before my husband finally got a paying job.
    I would not recommend this method to everyone, but if you don’t mind working ten-hour days and then coming home to whatever hell has ensued while the babysitter was sitting on her ass watching TV, you might want to give it a go.
    By the way, my son is now starting college. My nusband and I are still married (minor miracle) he is a partner in a big law firm and I kick back and go shopping or mess around on the internet, happily unemployed and FINALLY getting some rest.

  7. Jenn replied:

    I am sitting here howling. I have been saying for weeks that this pregnancy will result in a living baby once I start smoking crack. It feels so true!

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