Ways To Ensure That My Next Pregnancy Will Be Successful
After watching daytime TV, I have come to the conclusion that we probably don’t need the genetic testing to figure out why I have miscarried twice. We clearly just need to radically alter our lifestyle in order to ensure healthy future pregnancies, because clearly the happy-marriage, steady-job, prenatal-vitamin-taking route doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere.
1. I need to start regularly using some illegal substance, preferably crack
2. My husband needs to start regularly using some illegal substance, preferably crack
3. I need to start beating my husband
4. My husband needs to start beating me
5. My husband needs to leave me for another woman
6. My husband needs to leave me for another man (but still keep sleeping with me in order to bring about successful pregnancy)
7. My husband needs to stay with me, but have an affair with another woman, who will get pregnant at the same time I do
8. I need to leave my husband for another man
9. I need to stay with my husband, but have an affair with another man, with whom I will immediately get pregnant with twins/triplets
10. My husband needs to lose/quit his job
11. I need to lose/quit my job
12. My husband and I need to figure out that we are distant cousins
13. My husband and I need to stop trying to get pregnant, and instead drink a lot of cheap beer/wine coolers, regularly have sex in the back of a car/at a frat party, and pray, pray, pray/cross our fingers that I don’t get pregnant
Anything I have missed? Feel free to post a comment!!