When I first started trying to get pregnant, I thought it might take a few months. Once I got that coveted BFP (“big-fat positive” on a pregnancy test), it would be about another nine months until I would have a baby. This was good: I could estimate, I could plan. Well, here I sit, well over a year later, waiting for my first post-D&C period. The worst part is, aside from obvioulsy being post-miscarriage, is that I have no idea how to plan for my future in the medium term. I like to plan; it makes me feel more in control. How do you plan for the future when you realize that so much of it is out of your control? Do you live your life as if you might be pregnant when you very well might not be?
When I was first pregnant, I had a trip to Europe already planned. I would have been 7 months in March, and my OB did not think that was such a great idea. She said we would adopt a “wait and see” approach. Well, two weeks later I had my first D&C, so travel to Europe while pregnant was a moot point. I went and was glad I had not cancelled everything, because it gave me something to do to take my mind off of my crushing grief.
Here I sit, trying to decide whether to plan another trip to Europe. (These trips are for work — I am not laying around eating bon-bons, although that sounds lovely, doesn’t it?) I feel like I should plan it, even if I end up having to cancel it because I am too round and pregnant next March to sit in coach on an international flight. I hate having to anticipate where I will be in 6+ months. The answer is that I have no idea, and that stresses me out. It could take me 6 months to even get pregnant, and who is to say that this time will be different and I will have an actual baby?
I feel comfortable living in the next few weeks. The short term does not scare me; I have a plan and I feel somewhat in control. I hope that in two years I have a baby, either because I birth one or I adopt one. It is the time between two weeks and two years — the medium term — that scares the crap out of me.
Waiting around is not for sissies.