The last time I used an OPK (ovulation predictor kit) was in April, and damn if these little buggers aren’t hard to read. I know they make the ones that make a smiley face when they are positive, but I am too cheap to buy those ($39.95 for 7 tests = $5.70 each). Instead, I buy a ton of internet OPKs (about $1.00 each) and squint, stare, and nitpick myself into a state of near-blindness.
I think my pee-stick turned positive because the two lines are almost the same color, but I have finally determined that I just can’t tell. I also remembered, too late this time, that when you take B-vitamins in the morning, it turns your afternoon pee fluorescent highlighter yellow, which makes reading the little pink lines even more difficult because the test, of course, sucks up the bright yellow coloring. My pee-stick looks like it has jaundice.
How many little sticks, OPKs and HPTs, have I stared intently at over the past year or so, trying to see something that perhaps wasn’t there? HPTs have more innate drama — “YOU ARE PREGNANT” or “YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT” is a lot more interesting that a surge of luteinizing hormone — but you really are only looking for that second line. I have been led astray by evaporation lines, but only when I used the tests from Babyhopes.com. Otherwise, my negative HPTs have always been blindingly white. OPKs, however, are a different kind of evil. I always feel like I am at the eye doctor: “Which line is darker, the one on the right or the one on the left?” “Uh, um, the right, no, wait, um, left. Yes, left it is. Or is it the right one? I can’t tell. Could they be the same?”
Maybe I should just buy the smiley face sticks after all. The sun just shifted from behind a cloud, and in pure sunlight, the stupid OPK looks slightly less positive. (Or does it? Yeah, this time I really think it is negative-ish.)
Update: My husband, who will be Mr. MC until I think of something wittier, confirmed that the OPK is indeed negative. Apparently pee-stick induced blindness is a female-only problem.
Update Part Deux: Like manna from heaven, there are now internet OPKs that now produce just one line to indicate a positive result. They are available from Babywishes.com. Once I use up all my other OPKs, I will buy some of these and, of course, write a product review.
Update Part Trois: I took another OPK this evening and it was very obviously negative. Stay tuned for another exciting episode of “As the Luteinizing Hormone Rises.”
*Tromp l’oeil, for those of you that don’t speak French, means “trick of the eye.”
August 15, 2007. Trying Again.