I thought my ulcerative colitis was getting better, but now it is undeniably getting worse.
I have been taking the full retinue of my colitis medicine for two weeks, and usually it has started working by now. I even took 15mg of prednisone (the dreaded steroid) this evening — desperate times.
I am torn because I was having colitis issues right before my first pregnancy, and as soon as I was 2 weeks along, it threw me right into remission. Most doctors, however, do not recommend trying to conceive while actively in a flare because there is a chance that pregnancy can make it worse. It was only one month ago that my poop doctor actually advised me to get pregnant as soon as possible because my blood chemistry was so good.
I am on cycle day 3 so I have about a week to get this flare under control. Stress is not good for colitis, so I can not stress about getting this flare under control.
I am completely off of caffeine for the short-term, though. It is bad for colitis and bad for fertility.
The absolute worst way to try and not to worry about something is to tell yourself that worrying about it will only make it worse. I feel quite awful, and I have so much work to do. This was supposed to be one of those productive weekends; instead I laid around in bed, except, of course, when I was in the bathroom.
The thought of having to wait another month before trying again makes me frantic and depressed. I feel like all I have done is wait. If it is grammatically possible to even say this, I am all waited out. I got my period after miscarriage #2 on July 10. It is now October 7th and for one reason or another, we only “tried” in August. It’s not that our excuses weren’t good — waiting for the thyroid medicine to kick in, hospitalization for a collapsed lung, etc… — but I just can not wait any longer. This is not even waiting for a healthy baby. This is waiting for the opportunity to try for something that has only a 1/5 chance of actually working, then waiting to see if it worked, then waiting to see if it sticks, then waiting to see if everything is okay so far — and that is only the first 6 weeks.
My therapist says that I believe in “magical thinking.” I feel that if I worry/obsess over something enough, I can effect the outcome; if I don’t, bad things will happen due to my lack of attention. It sounded weird when she said it, but I guess it is true. When I let my guard down, when I dare to be happy for a pregnancy or a long period of remission, bad things do happen, it seems. Perhaps it is more comforting to think that I did something to cause it instead of the reality that bad things just happen. Perhaps it gives me fleeting sense of control?