Merde

I thought my ulcerative colitis was getting better, but now it is undeniably getting worse.

I have been taking the full retinue of my colitis medicine for two weeks, and usually it has started working by now. I even took 15mg of prednisone (the dreaded steroid) this evening — desperate times.

I am torn because I was having colitis issues right before my first pregnancy, and as soon as I was 2 weeks along, it threw me right into remission. Most doctors, however, do not recommend trying to conceive while actively in a flare because there is a chance that pregnancy can make it worse. It was only one month ago that my poop doctor actually advised me to get pregnant as soon as possible because my blood chemistry was so good.

I am on cycle day 3 so I have about a week to get this flare under control. Stress is not good for colitis, so I can not stress about getting this flare under control.

Merde.

I am completely off of caffeine for the short-term, though. It is bad for colitis and bad for fertility.

Part deux:

The absolute worst way to try and not to worry about something is to tell yourself that worrying about it will only make it worse. I feel quite awful, and I have so much work to do. This was supposed to be one of those productive weekends; instead I laid around in bed, except, of course, when I was in the bathroom.

The thought of having to wait another month before trying again makes me frantic and depressed. I feel like all I have done is wait. If it is grammatically possible to even say this, I am all waited out. I got my period after miscarriage #2 on July 10. It is now October 7th and for one reason or another, we only “tried” in August. It’s not that our excuses weren’t good — waiting for the thyroid medicine to kick in, hospitalization for a collapsed lung, etc… — but I just can not wait any longer. This is not even waiting for a healthy baby. This is waiting for the opportunity to try for something that has only a 1/5 chance of actually working, then waiting to see if it worked, then waiting to see if it sticks, then waiting to see if everything is okay so far — and that is only the first 6 weeks.

My therapist says that I believe in “magical thinking.” I feel that if I worry/obsess over something enough, I can effect the outcome; if I don’t, bad things will happen due to my lack of attention. It sounded weird when she said it, but I guess it is true. When I let my guard down, when I dare to be happy for a pregnancy or a long period of remission, bad things do happen, it seems. Perhaps it is more comforting to think that I did something to cause it instead of the reality that bad things just happen. Perhaps it gives me fleeting sense of control?

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October 7, 2007. Other Sucky Things, Waiting Around is Not For Sissies.

8 Comments

  1. kona replied:

    U.C. sucks. 😦 Good luck with the prednisone. Hope things quiet down soon!

  2. babystep replied:

    It is really hard to let go of things we have no control over. I hope that the predisone works.

  3. Ms. Planner replied:

    Letting go. Sheesh. One of the hardest things about this effing journey. I soooo know what you are feeling sister. Having to wait just for the opportunity is TOUGH! And I’m not going to sugarcoat, b/c — as you know — it blows…but I am thinking of you and wishing you some peace.

    And I really, really want to thank you for your note on my blog. It means to world to me to have your support and that of this community. It is not going to be easy, that’s for sure but I’ve got one heck of a support network. Merci beau coup.

  4. Artblog replied:

    Merde indeed! Sounds like pure hell; so sorry my dear, hope it gets better real soon!!!

    HUGS

  5. My Reality replied:

    Gramatically correct or not, waited out sounds about right to me. I know that feeling well.

    I hope this settle down in the UC front.

  6. niobe2 replied:

    “My therapist says that I believe in “magical thinking.” I feel that if I worry/obsess over something enough, I can effect the outcome; if I don’t, bad things will happen due to my lack of attention.”

    Interesting. I think I have almost the opposite issue. I believe that as soon as I start thinking about something that I want, I’ve just ensured that it will never happen.

  7. ElizabethS replied:

    I have just started lurking around your site… and I want to tell you that it is wonderful. You are wonderful. Sometimes (does this mean I think I am also wonderful?) you say things and I think, “Yes! Just what I was feeling!”

    Magical thinking is what makes me think that my chanting “Fly, fly, fly” under my breath during takeoff matters.

    The inverse of magical thinking (in my mind, anyway) is the “F-you, God” voice. That’s the evil little voice that pops up in the middle of your prayers, chants, etc and says in a wisecracky voice in your head, “Eh, f-you, God!” And then you panic, thinking that if that was the millisecond that God (Being, Her, whomever) tuned in to you, you just screwed yourself.

    Anyway, that’s all much clearer in my head.

    But as someone who is just beginning this journey (6 months of trying, with no luck yet), I just wanted to say hello… and thank you! I already feel a little less alone.

  8. missedconceptions replied:

    ElizabethS,

    Thanks! And welcome, both to the blog and to the world of “magical thinking.”

    MC

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