R.I.P.: The Plan

I thought I would feel better today, emotionally speaking. Instead I feel, well . . . , worse. Yesterday’s scan was fantastic news, but it has made me feel even more vulnerable than I did before. I read in my Avoiding Miscarriage book that your odds of miscarriage go down significantly once a heartbeat is seen, but I don’t find statistics especially comforting these days. The odds of having two miscarriages in a row are not very high either and look how fan-fucking-tastic that worked out.

I have never made it this far in a pregnancy before: the first was a blighted ovum and the second had a non-viable heart-rate. Instead of making me feel more secure, yesterday’s scan made me feel more afraid, because now I feel like I have more to lose. I have read enough, perhaps too much, to know that this is not bad news, but we are far, far, far from being out of the metaphorical woods.

The Plan has come to its logical end. The pee sticks have reached their maximum darkness so continuing to test is useless. Just in case you were wondering what exactly $18 worth of Dollar Tree HPTS looked like all glued (yes, I had to glue them onto a piece of cardboard so my cat would stop knocking them over) neatly together, here you go:


November 20, 2007. Miscarriage Links, Pregnancy #3.


  1. Rachel replied:

    I am sorry the scan wasn’t as comforting to you as you had hoped.

    In my experience, each day that you stay pregnant gets easier. I won’t promise that you won’t worry again, but you will begin to feel like you will really have a baby.

    Hang in there and before you know it your little one will be here.

  2. Farah replied:

    i agree with Rachel and i just love that you are still pee-ing on tests.. that soo cool!

  3. Meg replied:

    There is absolutely nothing I can say to make you feel better or less worried – you have every right to worry and I know what you mean about the statistics – they are not comforting and you know better to be comforted by them.

    Before you got pregnant this time, was there a plan in your head for how to get through this part? I think you will continue to worry but maybe you could make a new plan, a plan that includes walks, reading books (other than how to keep a baby!) and maybe cooking new stuff….lame advise I know…..I am just trying to think of ways for you to feel more a peace and in the moment of right now…the moment in which you are still pregnant and things are going well.

  4. Meg replied:

    By the way, do you like that book? I must go get it – 😉

  5. niobe replied:

    So true. Once you’ve ended up on the wrong side of the odds, it’s hard not to believe that you’ll always be there.

  6. babystep replied:

    Let’s think of something you can do with those glued together HPTs. Maybe make a placemat? Or a runner for your dining table? 🙂
    God, life is just so hard. You think that all you want is to see those two pink lines (which I have never seen, at least not on MY HPTs!), and then once you see them, the fun isn’t over yet, huh. And then once you have a healthy baby, there is yet another whole slew of worries to be had. Good times.

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