In The End

My dad was released from the psychiatric ward on Tuesday (they said he was a “model patient” and “no danger to himself”) and successfully committed suicide last night/early this morning by once again overdosing on prescription medicine. He was found in his hotel room and pronounced dead on the scene today. I am coping by focusing on my beautiful baby boy and the immeasurable joy he has brought into my life. My father knew Baby S was born and never asked about him or even wanted to see a picture. I think, although this sounds cynical, that this was best for all. This drama, played out over the course of my thirty-three year life, is finally over. He got what he wanted in the end.

I am determined not to let this cloud my memories of this early weeks with my son. Even with a plugged duct, which is making breastfeeding difficult, and round-the-clock feedings, I am having the time of my life. He is so beautiful and I intend to fully celebrate the wonder of his life.

June 27, 2008. Other Sucky Things.


  1. rachel replied:

    I am so sorry. I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t even know where to start.

    Enjoy every moment with your son!

  2. Liz replied:

    I am so sorry about your father. And so happy that you are focusing on your sweet son. He has one of the cutest faces I’ve ever seen!!!!

  3. Pam replied:

    I’m so sorry about your father. Try not to let this mar the happiness you’re experiencing with your son. It’s difficult to have experience two such opposite emotions at the same time.

  4. Farah replied:

    Goodness – I am so sorry that you are having to deal with these feelings. They must be so difficult. I am thinking of your family

  5. DD replied:

    I’m sorry that you’re father couldn’t see beyond his pain to focus on your joy. My deepest sympathies with your families.

  6. Sarahthedoula replied:

    I am so very sorry. Please surround yourself with people who truly love you, and will care for you through this tumultuous time. And try to remember that no feeling is off-limits – – relief, sadness, joy, anger….
    Sending love light and prayers your way.

  7. Blog-A-Baby replied:

    Oh my goodness..I am so sorry! Prayers coming your way!

  8. kona replied:

    I’m sorry for your loss. (((MC)) Little S. is so beautiful (can I say that for a boy?). Glad you are enjoying him and loving being his mom.

  9. Sunny replied:

    I am very sorry.

  10. Rachel replied:

    Oh, dear, so sorry and glad Baby S is around to bring you some happiness.

  11. artsweet replied:

    I don’t know what to say, except that we love you and Mr. MC and Baby S. and I hope that there is some sort of excruciatingly painful afterlife so that your father doesn’t get out of it too easily.

  12. niobe replied:

    I know that you’re right — that it’s probably the best of the many possible disasterous outcomes. But it still seems terribly sad.

  13. lizzie replied:

    I am so sorry about your father. You’re new little one is just beautiful. His birth is a new start for you and your family.

  14. Heather replied:

    I am so sorry. Please continue to focus on that beautiful new baby.

  15. K @ ourboxofrain replied:

    I am so, so sorry. My heart just about fell out of my chest upon seeing this post. I’m with Sarah — no feelings are off-limits right now, including relief. Much love coming your way.

  16. Nity replied:

    My condolences on your loss. Your son is beautiful! I’m glad you have the opportunity to focus on him instead.

  17. Amanda replied:

    I am so sorry.

  18. My Reality replied:

    My thoughts are with you right now.

  19. Michell replied:

    I’m so sorry.

  20. Ms Planner replied:

    Oh MC. As you said, it is probably for the best. But the outcome is still a sad one for your family. I hope the conflicting emotions of a happiness with new life and sadness from a departed one don’t do too much of a number on you. Things can feel so raw during those first fews weeks…

  21. Cibele replied:

    I ma so sorry. You’re are right, focus on your baby boy that brings you so much joy

  22. Wendy replied:

    Oh no, I am so, so sorry. There are no words. Hold your baby, hug him tight and remember that you are giving him a whole new legacy. Call me OK?

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