Please, Help Them

The most popular search term that brings people to my blog is “Hugh Laurie,” which I find very odd.  In the past 30 days, 330 hits have been for our dear Dr. House.  Other terms, as you would expect, are “miscarriage,” “tww,” “fetal heart rate,” and the like.

Except for these.

These people really, really need help.

“dirt on the duggars”

MC: They have sex, especially when she is fertile.  And then she has a healthy baby.  Bitch.

“if a baby dies in your uterus do you pee”

MC: You pee because your bladder is full.  If you drink liquid, assuming a normal renal system, you will eventually pee.  Pregnancy can make you pee more frequently and when you sneeze, but dead babies don’t make you pee.  You make you pee.  Dead babies, I have found, make you very, very sad.

“can lavendar baths create boobs in baby”

MC:  I am guessing not.  But perhaps boobs and lavender bath salts can create a baby?  And “lavender” has two “e”s and one “a”.  Spellcheck is awesome.  Make it your friend.

“wifes revenge on sissy husband”

MC: See above.

“not very known facts”

MC:  As an educator, this makes my head ache.  Facts are “well known,” not “very known,”  so something can be “not well known” but not “not very known.”  Unless, for example, you do not very know grammar very well.

“doctor i swallow my husbands cum last night”

MC: What is your doctor going to do, besides correct your grammar?  No, you can’t get pregnant by swallowing your husband’s cum, in case you were wondering.  But if you could, you would, like Mrs. Duggar, probably have a perfectly healthy baby after a nausea-free pregnancy.

“my brother is a selfish bastard”

MC: He’s family.  Someone in your family is going to be a selfish bastard.  Better your brother, I say, than a parent.

“i like peeing in my maxi pad”

MC: Okay, each to his (or her) own.  But why look this up on the internet?  Are you trying to find a discussion group of like-minded maxi-pad pee-er aficionados?  Also, they have a great new product for people like you: adult diapers.

“natural birth tylenol”

MC: Yeah, good luck with that.

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October 22, 2008. Attempts at Humor, Ramblings.

7 Comments

  1. Ashley Bass replied:

    Oh wow, this is hilarious!

  2. Farah replied:

    I would like some natural birth tylenol please.

  3. missedconceptions replied:

    Farah — I know! I can’t decide if she (I assume it was a she?) was looking for Tylenol powerful enough to help with natural childbirth (um, it’s called an epidural) OR wondering if regular Tylenol was actually going to help in childbirth (ha! not even a little).

  4. Artblog replied:

    Awwwwww to number two, what kind of person thinks of that when they have a dead baby in their uterus!

    the others a hoot!

  5. Rachel replied:

    To add to the disturbing nature of #2, it’s possible that this person thinks babies and pee exit the body from the same place.

  6. Aurelia replied:

    I have the weirdest searches as well and just can’t understand them. and your last one?

    “natural birth tylenol”

    MC: Yeah, good luck with that.

    I laughed so loud I peed my maxipad. Snort.

  7. Brae replied:

    You are spectacular, and i’m linking you to my blog. I have a blog about TTC, and pregnancy that I just started, and I would like it to be humorous and fun. You’re an inspiration to me.

    Thanks!

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