Other Shoe Perched Precariously on Ledge
It’s not bad news. It’s not good news, either, but I am trying (and mostly failing) to focus on the fact that it is not bad news.
Baby S had to go and see a pediatric neurologist today. At his 4-month check up, his pediatrician noticed that he had some shaking when he sat up. He thought they may have been mild seizures and requested an EEG and pulled some strings to forgo the usual 6-month wait to see the specialist.
The EEG was normal. He is not having seizures. The neurologist confirmed this today.
Mr. MC and I had both noticed the shakiness, or “trembling” as the doctor called it today, but we assumed it was just muscle fatigue. The trembling began when he started holding his head up and then moved into his shoulders and arms when he began to hold his torso up. It is worse when he is tired or has been sitting up for a while.
The neurologist said it was not muscle fatigue. He does not know what it is, exactly. The rest of his neurological exam was normal, so we are to come back in four months and by then it will either have resolved itself or other symptoms will have presented themselves and he will be better able to make a diagnosis.
I hate to wait. HATE IT. I waited so long for this baby, my beautiful baby boy, and now I have to wait to see if there is something wrong with him?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I want to cry. I want to hold him and never let go. I want the doctor to call back and tell me that Baby S will be fine and this is nothing to worry about. I want my baby to be fine and perfect and healthy.
Instead, I am going to take a shower and go teach a class. Baby S is with my mom, who is no doubt showering him with her usual love and affection. I really want to cancel class, but I think I need to get my mind off of this for a little while.