Because It’s Always Something

The magic number for fertility in my head was always 35.  I know that in reality your eggs do not shrivel up and die the day you turn 35, but somehow it is the number that always stuck in my head.  For some reason,  and I know this is somewhat out-dated thinking,  I regard having a baby over 35 as “high-risk” and “dangerous.”  I know that people do this all the time and have perfectly healthy babies; I also know that you can be much younger and still have something go very, very wrong with your pregnancy or your baby.  It is just something that has very effectively been programmed into my brain.  Interestingly, I can look at other people and their plans quite objectively but I feel that, for me, 35 is some sort of fertility ledge.

I turn 35 in November.

I feel fairly confident that I “cured” my miscarriage problemg, in so much as that can ever really be done.  Perhaps the two miscarriages were a fluke or perhaps Baby S was a fluke, but in treating the hypo-thyroid and using the blood-thinners to address a probable auto-immune issue, I feel fairly confident that I am doing all I can to prevent another miscarriage.

Somehow, though, I feel like waiting until I am 35+ to try again is tempting fate.   My logical mind says “really, how much of a difference can a few more months make?  If you start trying a year from now, how much will your eggs really suffer?”  The irrational side of me feels like waiting is ensuring that I will miscarry or will have a baby with genetic abnormalities.  I know this is not rational, but it increasingly plays in the back of my mind.  I worry about being able to conceive again, about spacing children, about handling two kids and working, but even more than that I worry that by waiting, all I will be left with is genetically mutated eggs.

This is not something I can even really write about well, becuase it is not yet fully formed in my mind.  I can usually talk some sense into myself, but the fear keeps creeping back.  I just worry it is my intuition.

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June 23, 2009. Another One?.

5 Comments

  1. Farah replied:

    I am very sorry. Infertility is really the gift that keeps giving. Playing games with our heads and heartstrings.

  2. Artblog replied:

    I always said I wanted to be done by 35 for all the reasons you mentioned, but to be honest, the only thing that changes is the pregnancy itself. For me at least, the same risks were always there since i was much younger when they happened.

    One year probably doesn’t make a difference, much, to your eggs but it will do with regards to energy levels, how tiring pregnancy is as we get older and other pregnancy risks.

    Also I wanted to be done because I didn’t want to be taking my youngest to kindergarten over 40. I wanted to be as young as I could be for my kids.

    I too am one to go on instinct and intuition but for the moment at least, I’ve been wrong about being over 35 and pregnant. So, maybe your intuition is a disguise for other emotions?

    Good luck. HUGS

  3. Caro replied:

    I worry about it to but since I am 35 now (since May) I’m not going to have any choice if I want T to have a little brother or sister. My worry is more about being able to get pregnant in the first place though.

  4. Sam replied:

    I am so there, plus a dose of “will my fibromyalgia kick my ass and I will have two small children and be stuck in bed all day unable to care for them?” Is it selfish of me to want another child? ACK! I just don’t know and can’t even post on my blog about it at this point. If you were a moron you wouldn’t even think about it, you’d just wind up pregnant some how and whoops! there you go! Baby number fourteen hundred. I’m cranky. Sorry.

  5. kona replied:

    Well, you already know my story! So, not sure if that helps or hinders your fears. But I did give birth to a beautiful healthy girl when I was 36 and 11 mos, and now I am 38+ years old and taking the plunge again with this new little daughter. Good luck with whatever you decide!! 😉

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