Day of Atonement

Today was Yom Kippur.  I am not Jewish, so it holds no religious significance for me.

It was on Yom Kippur, three years ago, that I learned of my first miscarriage and, a few days later, had my first D&C.

The pain has abated and there are days when I don’t think about it, but my heart is still broken.  Even with my happy, healthy son here, I often yearn for what was taken from me: the romance of pregnancy, the optimistic outlook, and, of course, the pregnancy and child that never was.

And then it happened all over again.

But this story, at least this chapter, has a happy ending.  S is 15 months old and is, quite honestly, perfect.  When I imagined being a mom, I didn’t really think about late-night feedings, cracking nipples, and incessant spit-up.  Motherhood now, however, very much resembles what I imagined it would be.  It is indeed the hardest job you will ever love.

So, this chapter, this phase, of this blog comes to an end.  I am too busy trying to balance everything out between my professional life (teaching, publishing, tenure requirements, etc…) and being a mother to S.  I don’t really have the energy at the end of the day to blog about it as I am too busy just, well, living it.

But this story is not over, because, of course, I want another one.  Not now.  But soon.  I need to have my body to myself for a little bit.  I need to figure out how to be the kind of mom and professor that I want to be.  I need to get my mojo back, because it’s been years since I have seen it.  Once I get this all figured out (or admit defeat), I will be back.

And, because everyone loves a cute kid picture, here is Baby S:

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    September 28, 2009. Another One?, Life With Baby, The Magnificent Baby S, Trying Again.

    10 Comments

    1. Jensational replied:

      I don’t know you at all but I found your blog after I miscarried by googling some version of miscarriage and pregnancy. It really helped to read along with you and know that I wasn’t alone. I also was able to get pregnant again and have a baby so I followed you with that experience as well. I understand your busy life but I wanted to let you know that your writing really helped me. Good luck to you!

    2. Meg replied:

      I have been contemplating where to head blogging as well. Good luck and cannot wait to hear from you again!

    3. niobe replied:

      And this just shows (once again) that I’m an idiot, because, somehow, I always assumed you were Jewish. Sigh.

      Keep us posted, when you can, if you can. And if you can’t, know that we’ll be thinking of you.

      S is soooo cute. (you knew that already, though)

    4. Mr. MC replied:

      Niobe, she married a Jew and can mutter in Yiddish like very few goyim. She’s an honorary Red Sea Pedestrian. 🙂

    5. Sam replied:

      I’ve been missing you! How about an occasional email?

    6. K@ourboxofrain replied:

      I’ll miss reading you here but definitely get the need for a hiatus.

    7. DD replied:

      Must me something in the air…

      And he’s ADORABLE!!

    8. Ms Planner replied:

      Dear MC, it has been wonderful getting to know you via your blog (and other methods of communication). I feel like our stories have almost tracked identical to one another – from our m/c’s to our pregnancies to our lovely wee ones and then the future…I have enjoyed your writing style, your wit and your support. I will miss you in blog-land. Your pal, Ms. Planner

    9. caro replied:

      I’ll miss you here.

    10. Farah replied:

      i will miss you here too but know where to hunt you down

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