Give the Lady What She Wants

… except that she doesn’t know what she wants.

I honestly don’t know what to think.  I am mostly likely not pregnant, but I could be.

The odds are against it.  I know this.  Yet, unprotected sex on day 12 (I thought it was day 13; I had miscounted) when you have regular 30-day cycles is a “highly fertile” time.   Besides, I tend to defy the odds.

I don’t know if I want to be pregnant or not.

I have a great plan to lose weight.  I am still 30+ lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with S and I really want to get rid what I am now referring to as “breastfeeding weight.”  I don’t fit in any clothes and I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror.  Who wants to start a pregnancy weighing the most they have ever weighed?  The weight is coming off but slowly.   Very, very, very slowly.

A positive pregnancy test also does not mean baby.  I could have another miscarriage.  I could have hyperemesis again.   I could vomit and vomit and vomit and still have a miscarriage.  I don’t “do” pregnancy well.  Yet, I look at S and know it was all worth it.

I don’t know what I want.  I think — if this is even possible — that a negative test would leave me utterly relieved  and very disappointed.

I am supposed to take a group of students to Europe in May.  I have already figured out an EDD to make sure I could board an international flight.  I would be 32 weeks, which would make travel doable but probably rather uncomfortable.   I feel ridiculous for looking up an EDD for a pregnancy that does not even exist yet.

I also HATE the two-week wait.

I am trying to focus on other things and failing miserably.

Here is what I do know: I am not going to test for 10 more days.

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November 2, 2009. Another One?, Trying Again, Waiting Around is Not For Sissies.

2 Comments

  1. Carol replied:

    The waiting part is nerve racking!

  2. Wendy replied:

    I haven’t been on here in forever. Whatever will be will be. Selfishly, I hope you are pregnant. Just because S is so cute and I can so see another cute baby in your life. I will pray that God gives you what you need now…..

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