Give the Lady What She Wants
… except that she doesn’t know what she wants.
I honestly don’t know what to think. I am mostly likely not pregnant, but I could be.
The odds are against it. I know this. Yet, unprotected sex on day 12 (I thought it was day 13; I had miscounted) when you have regular 30-day cycles is a “highly fertile” time. Besides, I tend to defy the odds.
I don’t know if I want to be pregnant or not.
I have a great plan to lose weight. I am still 30+ lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with S and I really want to get rid what I am now referring to as “breastfeeding weight.” I don’t fit in any clothes and I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror. Who wants to start a pregnancy weighing the most they have ever weighed? The weight is coming off but slowly. Very, very, very slowly.
A positive pregnancy test also does not mean baby. I could have another miscarriage. I could have hyperemesis again. I could vomit and vomit and vomit and still have a miscarriage. I don’t “do” pregnancy well. Yet, I look at S and know it was all worth it.
I don’t know what I want. I think — if this is even possible — that a negative test would leave me utterly relieved and very disappointed.
I am supposed to take a group of students to Europe in May. I have already figured out an EDD to make sure I could board an international flight. I would be 32 weeks, which would make travel doable but probably rather uncomfortable. I feel ridiculous for looking up an EDD for a pregnancy that does not even exist yet.
I also HATE the two-week wait.
I am trying to focus on other things and failing miserably.
Here is what I do know: I am not going to test for 10 more days.