Please, Help Them

The most popular search term that brings people to my blog is “Hugh Laurie,” which I find very odd.  In the past 30 days, 330 hits have been for our dear Dr. House.  Other terms, as you would expect, are “miscarriage,” “tww,” “fetal heart rate,” and the like.

Except for these.

These people really, really need help.

“dirt on the duggars”

MC: They have sex, especially when she is fertile.  And then she has a healthy baby.  Bitch.

“if a baby dies in your uterus do you pee”

MC: You pee because your bladder is full.  If you drink liquid, assuming a normal renal system, you will eventually pee.  Pregnancy can make you pee more frequently and when you sneeze, but dead babies don’t make you pee.  You make you pee.  Dead babies, I have found, make you very, very sad.

“can lavendar baths create boobs in baby”

MC:  I am guessing not.  But perhaps boobs and lavender bath salts can create a baby?  And “lavender” has two “e”s and one “a”.  Spellcheck is awesome.  Make it your friend.

“wifes revenge on sissy husband”

MC: See above.

“not very known facts”

MC:  As an educator, this makes my head ache.  Facts are “well known,” not “very known,”  so something can be “not well known” but not “not very known.”  Unless, for example, you do not very know grammar very well.

“doctor i swallow my husbands cum last night”

MC: What is your doctor going to do, besides correct your grammar?  No, you can’t get pregnant by swallowing your husband’s cum, in case you were wondering.  But if you could, you would, like Mrs. Duggar, probably have a perfectly healthy baby after a nausea-free pregnancy.

“my brother is a selfish bastard”

MC: He’s family.  Someone in your family is going to be a selfish bastard.  Better your brother, I say, than a parent.

“i like peeing in my maxi pad”

MC: Okay, each to his (or her) own.  But why look this up on the internet?  Are you trying to find a discussion group of like-minded maxi-pad pee-er aficionados?  Also, they have a great new product for people like you: adult diapers.

“natural birth tylenol”

MC: Yeah, good luck with that.

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October 22, 2008. Attempts at Humor, Ramblings. 7 comments.

Status Updates I Will Never Dare Post on Facebook

“MC is wondering why her right boob makes so much more milk than her left boob.”

“MC is currently covered in baby shit.”

“MC is currently covered in baby pee.”

“MC is currently covered in baby spit-up.”

“MC is wondering why she is just now starting to pee when she sneezes?”

“MC thinks it might be easier somedays to just strap her kid directly to her boob.”

“MC wants to know how people who have multiples make it work.”

“MC wants to know how people who have more than one child make it work.”

“MC wonders if her sex drive will ever return.”

“MC would just like to get some fucking sleep already.”

“MC just spent x hours on-line researching organic baby mattresses.”

“MC just spent x hours on-line searching for cute baby clothes.”

“MC has gone x days without taking a shower.”

“MC is dreading the day when her menstrual cycle starts up again.  She has not had ‘Aunt Flo’ in a year, and frankly, she does not miss the bitch.”

“MC doesn’t understand how a pharmacy can not order her size of diaphram?”

September 17, 2008. Attempts at Humor, Life With Baby, Way Too Much Information. 4 comments.

How Having a Son Has Made George Clooney Less Appealing

I now realize that all little boys — even George Clooney and Hugh Laurie — had to have poop cleaned out from underneath their scrotum during a diaper change.

August 16, 2008. Attempts at Humor, The Magnificent Baby S. 5 comments.

Words to Live By

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”

— Sir Walter Scott

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we fail to conceive.”

— Missedconceptions

September 25, 2007. Attempts at Humor. 2 comments.

Poetry (or Evidence that the 2WW Will Make You Crazy)

Pee, pee, the magic juice

The more you test, the more you deduce

The more you deduce the better you’ll feel

(Unless you are a total freak and test waaaaaay to early in your tww for there to really even be anything but, hey, you never know, right?)

So pee on sticks before your morning meal!

. . . . .

Pee, pee the magic sage

If you get the wrong answer, it might evoke rage

So pee on your sticks but please beware

Not to get pee on your underwear

. . . . .

Pee, pee the magic sauce

But it can’t predict a pregnancy loss

You may feel great when you see that line

But it won’t guarantee that things will be fine

. . . . .

Pee, pee — a magic elixir?

But we don’t know what’s wrong, so how can we fix ‘er?

Just cross your fingers and hold your breath

That this one doesn’t end in death

August 27, 2007. Attempts at Humor, Trying Again. 9 comments.

To Whom It May Concern:

… who was Googling “it is save to swallow my husband sperm?” and found this blog.

I am quite sure it is “save,” and it is even safe, but I do not recommend it if you are trying to get pregnant.

… who was searching for “peeing in maxi pads” and arrived here.

I also do not recommend peeing in maxi pads. Try a toilet instead.

… who was researching “how bad does pott hurt your baby” on the internet.

Please, please, please do not smoke “pott” or pot while pregnant. Your unborn child has enough disadvantages as it is with a parent who is clearly a moron.

August 11, 2007. Attempts at Humor. 5 comments.

“I’m a Bitch, I’m a Lover,

… I’m a Child, I’m a Mother … ”

Well, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad.

August 6, 2007. Attempts at Humor. 4 comments.

Dear MissedConceptions,

I read your post a few days ago when you thought you might have a very, very long cycle. Ha! Ha! That was a good one, wasn’t it? I know you were taking your temp, peeing on OPK sticks, and thinking that your sore boobs could be an indication that you were ovulating, but you were wrong, wrong, wrong, weren’t you? Ha! Ha! So here you sit, on day 25 of you cycle, and instead of being the longest cycle ever, me and my friends, Ovvy Left and Ovvy Right, decided to play a big trick on you and instead give you the shortest cycle every. Ha! Ha! Wasn’t that funny? Were you totally surprised when your period started today? Wasn’t that amusing? Ovvy Left thought you might be a little pissed, but Ovvy Right assured both of us you would think it was absolutely hilarious.

The funniest part, I think, is how you really could have used that super-long cycle to help stabilize your thyroid levels. Now you have to go do bloodwork to make sure you are out of the “danger zone” and see if you can start trying again this cycle. Isn’t that funny?

We just totally crack ourselves up sometimes.

XXOO,

Your uterus

p.s. I do not like the scraping action one bit. Should you continue to do this, I will continue to get really angry and require lots of methergine to calm me back down. Curettes are to uteri what, well, I don’t know exactly what but something really painful, are to humans so cut it out. (Get it? Cut. It. Out. Ha! Ha! Hilarious.)

p.p.s. Well, did you like the second part of the joke? You are spotting and have horrible cramps, but your period didn’t actually start? We thought it would be funny to stick you in menstruation purgatory for a while. Enjoy the agonizing PMS!! Smooches!

August 3, 2007. Attempts at Humor, Trying Again. 3 comments.

I’m France!


You’re France!
Most people think you’re snobby, but it’s really just that you’re better than everyone else. At least you’re more loyal to the real language, the fine arts, and the fine wines than anyone else. You aren’t worth beans in a fight, unless you’re really short, but you’re so good at other things that it usually doesn’t matter. Some of your finest works were intended to be short-term projects.

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

MC: Well, I am very loyal to language, the arts, and wine. I am alarmed that my “finest works” are only short-term projects. Do they mean when I grew a female embryo with a malformed heart and questionable genetics that died after 8 weeks? Probably not.

August 2, 2007. Attempts at Humor. 2 comments.

A Joke Few Will Get

My blog stats have ovulated!!

Husband: “Huh. Maybe your readers will find it amusing.

blog-stats.jpg

June 14, 2007. Attempts at Humor. 8 comments.

I Can’t Believe I Forgot This One

14. Have sex with Kevin Federline. This man is a baby-making machine, even if the latest rumor is not true. Really, Darwin, really??

Rumor

Rebuke of Above Rumor

June 13, 2007. Attempts at Humor. 1 comment.

Ways To Ensure That My Next Pregnancy Will Be Successful

After watching daytime TV, I have come to the conclusion that we probably don’t need the genetic testing to figure out why I have miscarried twice. We clearly just need to radically alter our lifestyle in order to ensure healthy future pregnancies, because clearly the happy-marriage, steady-job, prenatal-vitamin-taking route doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere.

1. I need to start regularly using some illegal substance, preferably crack

2. My husband needs to start regularly using some illegal substance, preferably crack

3. I need to start beating my husband

4. My husband needs to start beating me

5. My husband needs to leave me for another woman

6. My husband needs to leave me for another man (but still keep sleeping with me in order to bring about successful pregnancy)

7. My husband needs to stay with me, but have an affair with another woman, who will get pregnant at the same time I do

8. I need to leave my husband for another man

9. I need to stay with my husband, but have an affair with another man, with whom I will immediately get pregnant with twins/triplets

10. My husband needs to lose/quit his job

11. I need to lose/quit my job

12. My husband and I need to figure out that we are distant cousins

13. My husband and I need to stop trying to get pregnant, and instead drink a lot of cheap beer/wine coolers, regularly have sex in the back of a car/at a frat party, and pray, pray, pray/cross our fingers that I don’t get pregnant

Anything I have missed? Feel free to post a comment!!

June 13, 2007. Attempts at Humor. 7 comments.

Ways to Make the Male Teenage Cashier at Target Uncomfortable

1) Buy lots of toys for your cats (What can I say? They were 20% off.) It makes you look like a crazy cat lady.

2) Buy lots of new XL underwear.

3) Buy a lot of maxi pads and pantyliners. I wanted to explain to him that I was post-D&C and tampons were a no-no, but I think he would have passed out.

4) Throw in an economy First Response pack o’ pregnancy tests. Be sure to put them on the belt right after the economy packs of maxi pads.

June 12, 2007. Attempts at Humor. Leave a comment.