Today was the final ultrasound at the RE’s office. Wee-beastie is still alive, still growing, and still moving around. We go the requisite “blob” pictures as proof, beyond my nausea and fatigue, that I am pregnant.
The nausea and vomiting are admittedly not as bad as last time. I have Phenergan suppositories that work even when I throw up the Zofran. They totally knock me out, though, so I have to make sure to have someone able to watch S if I use one during the day. I am just counting the weeks until the end of the first trimester when hopefully I will ge some relief.
I am doing a little better on now that I have been on Wellbutrin for over a week. We have hired two babysitters to take shifts during the day so I can sleep. It was difficult to admit that in this state I can’t take care of S by myself. I am woefully behind at work, too, so S is going to start going to daycare for 2 hours a day 2 days a week. It’s not much, admittedly, but it will give me some uninterrupted work time. My therapist thinks my expectations of myself as a mother are too high and are physically and emotionally buring me out. She’s probably right. I feel better being able to be sick and miserable without having to worry about S and, quite frankly, he is getting more attention/interaction from his non-pregnant, non-ralphing babysitters right now.
If we get a healthy baby out of this pregnancy, I am done. I just can not physically/emotionally do this again. Once, in my younger, pre-miscarriage days, I thought I might like 3 or 4 children. Ha! I am in awe of the women who can do it, but I am too miserable as a pregnant woman to do it yet again, regarldess of the long-term rewards. Two is enough.
My horrendous migraines are getting better. I had a month where I had one almost every day and it was truly awful. My neurologist recommended I use a new type of magnesium supplement, upped the dose of my migraine medicine from 20mg to 40mg, and recommended that I take Reglan along with my regular medicine when I get a headache. Reglan is typically used as an anti-nausea medicine but it has also been found to help reduce the severity of migraines. It is also used for — hold onto your seats here, folks — stimulating milk production.
I have decided to stop pumping this week and I am now getting migraines due to the hormonal changes and one of the meds recommended to help with the migraines stimulates milk production.
Are you laughing? I am not laughing.
It has been three days since I have pumped and WOWEE!! do my breasts hurt. I worked down to pumping just once a day and it took until last night to get really uncomfortable, but I know if I pump again, I will just stimulate more milk production and I will have to start this process all over.
I made it a year and I want my body back. I need to lose weight. At Baby S’s 12-month check-up, his pediatrician suggested we give him cow’s milk in a sippy-cup, and he seems to like it. While part of me still wants to pump and give him breast milk (I keep hearing the “human milk for human babies!” rally cry of the breastfeeding mafia in my head), I made it a year and I just can’t pump anymore.
I am just taking Tylenol and hoping my body gets the “no more milk, please” message soon. If we get cabbage leaves in our CSA box, I may try that, too. Hopefully, I will feel better in a few days.
Edited to add: I am doing it cold turkey because while I know that this may make my bewbies sore(er), it will minimize the duration of the hormone drop, which is what causes my migraines. If I string the process out over two weeks, I am going to suffer that entire time with headaches.
Niobe put up another Niobe’s True Confessions. I found the first edition horribly unsettling (is everyone really cheating on their spouse and/or having suicidal thoughts?) and I can’t bear to read the second. Instead, I will post my own version of “true confessions.”
1) I do not enjoy breastfeeding. On 22 June, I will have made it a whole year. Baby S has refused to nurse for over a month, so I pump between 2-3 times a day. I do it exclusively because the health benefits for him, which are particularly important given all the auto-immune issues in our families. I don’t even remember loving it when he was actually nursing. There were days when it was okay, but mostly I felt like it was a chore. Still, it is a minor chore and may bring him a lifetime of health benefits, so I pump. And pump. And pump. I will continue to pump until I go back to school in the fall.
2) Giving birth was not a transformative experience. Having a baby was/is a transformative experience, but pushing him out of my bajingo did nothing for me except, well, to get him out. I would have been fine with a C-section if it had been necessary.
3) I weighed 30 lbs. less when I was 9 months pregnant. Fuck.
4) I have the worst acne I have ever had while breastfeeding — huge, cystic zits that really hurt. I have gotten facials, I have applied zit creme, I have used every product imaginable; nothing seems to work.
5) The only thing that keeps me from wanting to try again for another baby right away is my trip to Europe scheduled for next spring. It’s the hormones talking, I swear. My logical mind is no match for my hormonal mind. A 2+ week European trip, however, is no match for my hormonal mind.
6) Having my own biological baby has made me more interested in adoption. Go figure.
I have a new plan. It is not terribly exciting, but I will feel better if I write it down.
Next spring, I am going to do another study-abroad trip. I can’t handle the spring break thing, but I will ask if I can do it in May. We will save and save so that Mr. MC and Baby S can go along with me. We will also save and save so that we have a nice big nest egg.
This will be May 2010.
After that, we can start trying for another one. Baby S will be almost two at that point, and my midwife’s advice was to wait until he was at least 18 months before trying again.
This will give me a chance to have my body to myself for a little bit and try and lose some of this breastfeeding weight.
This will allow us to beef up our savings.
This will allow me to enjoy the heck out of Baby S.
This is the new plan, because I like to plan.
And, because abstract plans are boring, here is a picture of Baby S:
When you are trying to get pregnant, or trying to stay pregnant, it is all consuming. You live you life in two week increments: waiting to ovulate; waiting to take a pregnancy test; waiting for the next ultrasound, etc….
Here I am with Baby S, my wonderful, glorious son, and I feel like I should be doing something else. I feel — dare I say it? — like I should be trying to get pregnant.
The problem is, I do not think I am ready to be pregnant again. I am still breastfeeding and I would like to have some time to have my body to myself before I have to share it again. I would like to lose weight. I would like to work on my research. I would like to not have to divide my attention between Baby S and another child.
Yet, there is this nagging feeling that I should be doing more. Is it my biological clock ticking? Or it is just that for years, a healthy pregnancy was all that I wanted? I am not sure. I do want another one, I really, really, really do, but I can’t pinpoint why I keep thinking about it so much right now. Baby S is only nine months old. Still, it might be easier to just stay in the trenches? To just do it now instead of waiting?
Or perhaps I have just become obsessed with the means and not the end.
The fucking wee yeasties are back.
For like the 5th or 6th time.
If you have never had yeast, it burns like someone is pouring battery acid on your nipple after you nurse. For me, it is more painful than mastitis.
So, I am back on the Diflucan. Double the regular dose for two weeks with two more months of refills. Baby S is on Nystatin for two weeks to make sure he stays clean. I have to go wash all my bras in hot water and vinegar and continue to boil everything that touches my nipples, i.e. all of my pumping stuff.
Baby S’s doctor and I decided that I will pump ‘n’ dump for a few days and give him formula. Since we have passed this infection back and forth while I was exclusively pumping, she is assuming that there is yeast in the breastmilk itself.
None of this sounds so bad, right? I mean, it doesn’t sound like fun, but the worst part is the actual feeding part. It nearly makes me cry to give him formula and dump breastmilk down the drain. I know it does not make rational sense but it just feels so very wrong. My breasts ache to nurse him and I realize now how emotionally invested I am in the nursing relationship.
Yet, on the other hand, it is strangely freeing. Knowing that he can eat whenever he wants, have as much as he wants, and be fed by anyone is oddly liberating. My goal is to make it to at least a year: 4.5 more months to go.
Mah bewbies are lopsided and I have had come to terms with it. Even in their asymmetry, even allowing for the wee yeasties, they have done a pretty good job. My goal is to make it to at least a year with this whole breastfeeding thing. Studies show that in kids that are predisposed to colitis (i.e. Baby S, as both Mr. MC and I have the disease in our family), breastfeeding for at least one year significantly reduces the risk. They are not sure if it is because of the impact on the immune system or the fact that breastmilk is so easy to digest. I will do whatever I can to help Baby S not develop this shitty (ha!) disease.
I feel like now, at six months, I am finally getting this whole baby thing down. Of course, people have already asked me when I am going to try for another. (Cue maniacal laughter in the background.) Ummmmm, no time soon. I would like another one, but I feel like Baby S just got here. I also do not “do” pregnancy very well, we will have to again contend with my uterus of death, I am up for tenure, etc…, which all make me want to wait. Why are people so anxious to get knocked up so soon again after their first baby?
I am having wicked, wicked mood swings. In pre-baby world, I would call it PMS, but I am not sure when my cycles are going to start back up, so I don’t know if this is “pre-” anything. I feel anxious, cranky, and super-OCD, and then the next day I feel fine, only to have it rear up again a few days later. This started before Baby S started eating solids, so I do not think that is it. But what do I know, right?
My hair is still falling out. Thank goodness I have thick hair because otherwise I would most certainly have bald spots. It is not as bad as it was, but it still sheds more than normal except, conveniently, for the gray hairs at my temple. Those, I am oh-so-happy to report, are just fine. I assume that soon new hair will start to grown in?
My carpel tunnel syndrome, which I developed in my last trimester but only got really bad after Baby S was born, has taken a turn for the worse. It was in my left wrist and now has migrated to the right one as well. My midwife told me it will go away when Baby S is about a year and that it is rarely permanent. This gives me hope, but I still have to go out and buy another wrist brace.
I only gained 11 lbs. when I was pregnant. I lost it all the first week after Baby S was born and have proceeded to gain it all back while breastfeeding. This whole “you-will-loose-weight-while-breastfeeding-because-you-burn-extra-calories” theory is a bunch of crap. I am hungry all the time, I am still almost exclusively breastfeeding, I try to walk as much as the weather will allow, and I am still slowly gaining weight. Like the lopsided bewbies, I have had to make my peace with it.
Problem: How to get Monistat to stay up in your bajingo when you gave birth three weeks ago and still have no — gosh, what is the right term? — muscle tone.
The suppository flew fell out right after I put it in.
The cream is doing better, but not staying in terribly well, either.
Is my bajingo really still that stretched and flaccid?
(And did I really just use the words “flaccid” and “bajingo” in the same sentence?)