I am exactly 4 weeks pregnant, which, given that this is a miscarriage blog, means a whole lot of nothing. No nausea (yet); just cramping and very sore boobs.
I am taking my prenatal vitamin (I actually never stopped), extra B6 and folic acid, baby aspirin, and the Lovenox shots. I go into the RE tomorrow for my blood draw and to get all of my prescriptions. I have been peeing on sticks and the lines are progressively getting darker.
I told my mom, which was a relief. I am terrible at lying and since I see her nearly every day (she watches S while I teach) it would be hard to hide anything from her.
Pregnant, for now.
Faint line at 10dpo.
I am still in shock. Mr. MC just said “wow.”
I do not know exactly where I am in this cycle. I think right now I am about 5 or 6 days past ovulation. I am itching to test already. I have some of the expensive tests upstairs but I wanted some cheap ones so that I could start testing on Wednesday (which will be 9-10 days past ovulation) before my trip to NYC. I went to the Dollar Tree to buy their super-reliable-yet-conveniently-inexpensive tests. They were out. OUT! As in, not a one of them in sight. I searched everywhere. I moved boxes and boxes of dollar douche. Nothing. Nada.
They are still available on their website, but I think ordering a box of 72 might be overkill.
How can the Dollar Tree be OUT of pregnancy tests? Where are all the teen-age mothers and I in my town to obtain our super-reliable-yet-conveniently-inexpensive HPTs? Blasphemy, I tell you.
p.s. I went on-line and ordered some from Babyhopes.com. I will not test until they arrive. I will not test until they arrive. I will not test until they arrive.
… except that she doesn’t know what she wants.
I honestly don’t know what to think. I am mostly likely not pregnant, but I could be.
The odds are against it. I know this. Yet, unprotected sex on day 12 (I thought it was day 13; I had miscounted) when you have regular 30-day cycles is a “highly fertile” time. Besides, I tend to defy the odds.
I don’t know if I want to be pregnant or not.
I have a great plan to lose weight. I am still 30+ lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with S and I really want to get rid what I am now referring to as “breastfeeding weight.” I don’t fit in any clothes and I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror. Who wants to start a pregnancy weighing the most they have ever weighed? The weight is coming off but slowly. Very, very, very slowly.
A positive pregnancy test also does not mean baby. I could have another miscarriage. I could have hyperemesis again. I could vomit and vomit and vomit and still have a miscarriage. I don’t “do” pregnancy well. Yet, I look at S and know it was all worth it.
I don’t know what I want. I think — if this is even possible — that a negative test would leave me utterly relieved and very disappointed.
I am supposed to take a group of students to Europe in May. I have already figured out an EDD to make sure I could board an international flight. I would be 32 weeks, which would make travel doable but probably rather uncomfortable. I feel ridiculous for looking up an EDD for a pregnancy that does not even exist yet.
I also HATE the two-week wait.
I am trying to focus on other things and failing miserably.
Here is what I do know: I am not going to test for 10 more days.
How’s this for funny? I am in the 2ww. Yep.
No, it wasn’t on purpose; it just kinda … happened. I didn’t really even think anything of it until I realized I was on day 13 of my cycle and we had not used a condom. Oops.
Statistically, of course, you have only a 20% chance of getting pregnant for any given cycle, even with perfect timing.
It’s just that it would be fantastically bad timing for me professionally and thus I am preparing myself. I know the odds are against me, but it only takes one time and, for me, the one time in my life I have unprotected sex while not actively trying to get pregnant … well, it feels like I just tempted fate.
I started taking baby aspirin, took some extra folic acid along with my usual prenatal, and bought some pregnancy tests at Target. So, um, yeah, wow.
Update: I leave for NYC on the 13th of November for what was supposed to be a raucous good time, complete with lots of gin and tonics. I will test on the 12th, which will be about 13 dpo, to see if I can, um, drink.
Today was Yom Kippur. I am not Jewish, so it holds no religious significance for me.
It was on Yom Kippur, three years ago, that I learned of my first miscarriage and, a few days later, had my first D&C.
The pain has abated and there are days when I don’t think about it, but my heart is still broken. Even with my happy, healthy son here, I often yearn for what was taken from me: the romance of pregnancy, the optimistic outlook, and, of course, the pregnancy and child that never was.
And then it happened all over again.
But this story, at least this chapter, has a happy ending. S is 15 months old and is, quite honestly, perfect. When I imagined being a mom, I didn’t really think about late-night feedings, cracking nipples, and incessant spit-up. Motherhood now, however, very much resembles what I imagined it would be. It is indeed the hardest job you will ever love.
So, this chapter, this phase, of this blog comes to an end. I am too busy trying to balance everything out between my professional life (teaching, publishing, tenure requirements, etc…) and being a mother to S. I don’t really have the energy at the end of the day to blog about it as I am too busy just, well, living it.
But this story is not over, because, of course, I want another one. Not now. But soon. I need to have my body to myself for a little bit. I need to figure out how to be the kind of mom and professor that I want to be. I need to get my mojo back, because it’s been years since I have seen it. Once I get this all figured out (or admit defeat), I will be back.
And, because everyone loves a cute kid picture, here is Baby S:
I just POAS again.
It is a faaaaaaint positive.
Or an evaporation line.
I am off to buy more tests and force myself to pee.
Testing at 8PM with (obviously) non-first morning urine:
Babyhopes.com HPT = faaaint positive
Dollarstore HPT = faaaint positive
First Response Early Response HPT = negative
I am only 10dpo, so I will retest in the morning.
I stopped spotting a few hours after I started. That was Thursday night.
My temperature shot up this morning into what I call “the pregnancy range” (i.e. it only goes this high when I am pregnant).
I have taken seven HPTs since Wednesday (yes, that is indeed more than one per day) and all are negative.
I HATE this.
I was wearing nice pants and thong underwear (in order to avoid the dreaded VPL) today. I was on campus all day (it is 9:30PM and I just got home) and just realized that I am spotting. Thank goodness it just started, because it didn’t make a huge mess. However, it is still pretty alarming to spot red in the
middle of your cycle a week before your period is due.
I plugged the “spotting” into my fertility software and here is what it told me:
“Spotting at this time of your cycle may indicate (and let’s face it, MC, you are not all that lucky as far as fertility-related things go so you really should pretty much just ignore this) that you are pregnant. This is referred to as ‘implantation spotting’ and can occur when the fertilized egg burrows into the uterine wall (endometrium). You are in the post-ovulatory infertile phase of your cycle.”
Holy message. Holy uterine cramps. Holy mind fuck.
p.s. I am trying not to be upset that only two people want cool stuff from me. Come on people!! FREE STUFF!?!?
I am 6dpo into the 2ww. Why, it is just freakin’ wonderful, thank you for asking.
Guess what is due on November 1st? Uh, huh.
Guess what November 1st is? (hint: look at the title of the post) Yup. I’m turning 33.
Happy birthday to meeeeeeeee
I’m soon thirty-threeeeeeeee
I’ve been pregnant twiiiiiiiiice
And still no babyyyyyyyyy
I went to the dentist yesterday. The dentist as in the person who cleans and cares for your teeth. I thought I was safe from miscarriage/pregnancy/fertility talk. I was wrong.
I have one cavity, gingivitis and one cracked filling. “Golly jeepers,” I said to the hygienist, “how does one crack a filling?” “You,” she replied sternly, “are a clencher and a grinder.” This, in case you are wondering, is not a good thing to be. And for those of you with a dirty mind, she means my jaw.
I got the lecture about flossing (okay!), using Listerine twice a day (okay!), wearing a night guard (ew, but okay!), and getting my cavity filled (fuck! okay!). After the “YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR LETTING YOUR MOUTH ROT LIKE THIS” lecture, she asked what happened to my previous mouthguard. I explained that I had lost it when we moved and last year I didn’t get another one made because I was pregnant and very, very gaggy. It just slipped out, I swear. “That’s okay, they now make new ones that only go over your front four teeth to cut down on the gagging,” she explained without missing a beat. I was relieved, not about the size of the stupid mouth guard, but that she didn’t ask about the pregnancy.
I thought I was done, that I would be able to get through a fucking dental appointment without being reminded that both my pregnancies have miserably failed, and then she did it. She smiled that smile that people smile when they are going to say something sentimental and sweet. “The nausea is all worth it, though, isn’t it? How old is your baby now?”
The hygienist, who knows my saga, quietly explained to the dentist that my uterus is a hospice for embryos (in that they only go there to die). It was obvious that they both felt awful. Well, good, because so did I.
I can’t schedule my filling appointment until I know if I am pregnant or not this cycle, because the procedure can be “risky” during the first trimester. Given my past, I do not need to add anything risky to the formula. Although I am tempting to get a t-shirt printed that says “MY DENTAL FILLINGS KILLED MY FETUS.” Either that or “BAJINGO DENTATA.”*
*If you are not fortunate enough to know what a bajingo dentata is, please click here for the non-MC version of the term.
Okay, today I got an unmistakably positive OPK, so yesterday was just a false-alarm of sorts.
We still did the deed, of course. This isn’t just sex; this is sex with someone who just had the entire upper-half of his right lung scraped about a month ago in a procedure known as a pleurectomy. As you can imagine, the operation and recovery were a wee bit painful. Last night he had to take some painkillers,
because damn!!! if I am not just that good!!! because he was not very comfortable. Poor guy. Mr. MC is a real trooper, especially considering my demands needs wants polite requests for sex-on-demand.
I am over the purse. I like it, I really do, but after seeing one of my students carrying it today (a sure-fire way to ruin anything for a professor), I realized that it is a little to bohemian for my
super-uptight anal retentive taste.
I think I got a positive OPK (it is well established that I am awful at reading the bloody things); if it isn’t positive, it is pretty darn close. Yes, I should have other things on my mind.
Instead, I am obsessive over a handbag.
Thoughts? [I tried to post a poll, but WordPress only wants me to use their poll, which, of course, costs money.]
While you are pondering the necessity of this obvious non-necessity, Mr. MC and I will be, well, you know (cue 70s porn music).
New Year’s Eve.
Here at my house it is Fertility Eve.
I am on CD11. Let the games begin.
I refreshed my stock of OPKs, so I have plenty o’ pee sticks for the near future. I am all stocked up on Preseed. I have been religiously taking my 7AM temperature for the past seven days, and I am actively not worrying about the fact that it looks like Zorro’s signature instead of a nice, subtle decline into the low 97.somethings.
The colitis flare is — for the moment — under control. I came off of a 6-day steroid taper Friday and so far, so good.
Perhaps the most important part of the equation is breathing on his own, out of the hospital, and back to work.
Things are actually much better with Mr. MC and the animals, so now my colon has decided that it is really craving some attention. It is acting up; cue ulcerative colitis symptoms.
Usually after an stressful or emotional time, my gastro-intestinal system takes a week to get angry at me. The past few days I have noticed that things were, uh, not headed in a good direction (gas, bloating, etc…) but today it was undeniable that something not good is happening.
We are taking off this month anyway, so I popped my colitis medicine to see if I can get this thing under control as soon as possible. If my colitis is flaring, trying to conceive is out of the question, so here’s hoping it will calm back down in a few days. I also need to completely cut out the caffeine, both for fertility and for colon-happiness.
I also have to call my RE and see if Mr. MC’s regular use of painkillers could pose any sort of problem for next cycle. I assume everything will be okay, but I just want to hear that the RE is not concerned. Mr. MC really needs them, and if we need to wait longer, we certainly will.
I have waited over a year to get pregnant with a healthy baby — in the larger scheme of things what is a few more months?
Mr. MC came home from the hospital on Wednesday afternoon. He is still in a lot of pain but happy to be home.
The cat and dog are doing much better, too.
I thought I ovulated the day after my positive OPK, but apparently my body did indeed register the stress. My temp went up a little making me think it was a done deal, but this morning it went back down. I took an OPK this evening because I am just very curious (still no sex this cycle) and it is not positive, but the second test line is very dark. It has to be the stress, right? Right? Right? RIGHT?? I just don’t want to be developing some sort of post-miscarriage #2 ovulation problem, and last month was already a little funky with the super-delayed temperature shift. I think I am going to up my dose of Vitex.
Can you tell I am a little anxious? I think it is a delayed reaction to everything from last week.
6. I can take all the Mucinex, antihistamines, and decongestants I want. Ragweed is blooming here and I am miserable. Last time this year I was pregnant and all I could do was use a saline nasal rinse several times a day. Now I can haul out the big guns and drug myself into non-sneezing oblivion.
My temperature — finally — took a nose dive this morning so even though my period has not yet started, it is certainly on its way. The ambiguity was driving me crazy; now at least I know what is going on.
I am disappointed, of course, but relieved to be out of menstrugatory/purstruation. I am having a nice, large caffeinated latte this afternoon followed by copious amounts of wine this evening.
I am also reading my Rick Steve’s guides to Paris and Spain (Madrid and Barcelona), just to tempt myself with a preview of all the fun to come.
For now, however, I am going to the mall to go shopping and stare enviously at all the teenage mothers (for their obviously fertility, not their situation) and women who, by my age, already have four healthy children.
My temperature went up this morning; I spotting again; I got another negative pregnancy test.
It’s official: my body likes to fuck with me.
Two surprises: I dislike ambiguity more than I dislike bad news; a bigger part of me wants to go to Europe than I previously thought.
(Oh, I should mention that not only is the trip to Europe free but I actually get paid to go. Granted, it is a “working vacation, but still. Paid to go to Europe, ladies.)
I am tired of (pre) menstrugatory / purgstruation (menstruation + purgatory).
According to my OPK results, I am between 12dpo and 13dpo; according to my temperature rise, I am between 10dpo and 11dpo.
Normally, this would not really be a big deal. In the scheme of things, being able to determine that I am somewhere between 10-13dpo is actually pretty good.
Except today it really, really sucks.
I woke up this morning, took my HPT (negative) and then realized I was bleeding. I assumed that my period was starting, except that as soon as the bleeding started, it seemed to stop.
If I am 13dpo, it is probably just premenstrual spotting. I have a very regular 14-day luteal phase (and months of charts to document this), so spotting on day 13 is not abnormal for me.
If I am 10dpo, however, it could be (all together now!!) implantation spotting.
Usually my temperature drops the day before my period, but it is still up today.
Ignorance is not bliss.