I was riding home on the bus and the urge to pee on a stick was just overwhelming.
I knew it was too early, but I just couldn’t help myself.
My cheapo tests are not here yet so I used a First Response ( = $$) to test on 7-8 dpo.
I know this is not going to shock you, but it was negative.
Then I ripped the test apart and really looked at it.
I hate the two-week-wait; it turns me into a lunatic.
(… and then I went upstairs and fished it out of the garbage to have another look. Still negative. Pathetic. )
For Thanksgiving, we went to visit family in a big(ger) city. Outside of this city is a kick-ass medical facility where a bunch of kick-ass doctors work. My kick-ass mother-in-law was able to call in a favor with her kick-ass neighbor, who happens to also be a doctor at this medical facility, and get Baby S an appointment with one of the top pediatric neurologists in the U.S. the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.
In short, Baby S is going to be fine. He has a shudder which will go away on its own by the time he is one, if not before.
Yes, we went out of network and will probably pay a small fortune for the second opinion, but it sure as heck is better than just sitting around for four months wondering if there is a serious problem with my kick-ass baby.
It’s not bad news. It’s not good news, either, but I am trying (and mostly failing) to focus on the fact that it is not bad news.
Baby S had to go and see a pediatric neurologist today. At his 4-month check up, his pediatrician noticed that he had some shaking when he sat up. He thought they may have been mild seizures and requested an EEG and pulled some strings to forgo the usual 6-month wait to see the specialist.
The EEG was normal. He is not having seizures. The neurologist confirmed this today.
Mr. MC and I had both noticed the shakiness, or “trembling” as the doctor called it today, but we assumed it was just muscle fatigue. The trembling began when he started holding his head up and then moved into his shoulders and arms when he began to hold his torso up. It is worse when he is tired or has been sitting up for a while.
The neurologist said it was not muscle fatigue. He does not know what it is, exactly. The rest of his neurological exam was normal, so we are to come back in four months and by then it will either have resolved itself or other symptoms will have presented themselves and he will be better able to make a diagnosis.
I hate to wait. HATE IT. I waited so long for this baby, my beautiful baby boy, and now I have to wait to see if there is something wrong with him?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I want to cry. I want to hold him and never let go. I want the doctor to call back and tell me that Baby S will be fine and this is nothing to worry about. I want my baby to be fine and perfect and healthy.
Instead, I am going to take a shower and go teach a class. Baby S is with my mom, who is no doubt showering him with her usual love and affection. I really want to cancel class, but I think I need to get my mind off of this for a little while.
I thought my ulcerative colitis was getting better, but now it is undeniably getting worse.
I have been taking the full retinue of my colitis medicine for two weeks, and usually it has started working by now. I even took 15mg of prednisone (the dreaded steroid) this evening — desperate times.
I am torn because I was having colitis issues right before my first pregnancy, and as soon as I was 2 weeks along, it threw me right into remission. Most doctors, however, do not recommend trying to conceive while actively in a flare because there is a chance that pregnancy can make it worse. It was only one month ago that my poop doctor actually advised me to get pregnant as soon as possible because my blood chemistry was so good.
I am on cycle day 3 so I have about a week to get this flare under control. Stress is not good for colitis, so I can not stress about getting this flare under control.
I am completely off of caffeine for the short-term, though. It is bad for colitis and bad for fertility.
The absolute worst way to try and not to worry about something is to tell yourself that worrying about it will only make it worse. I feel quite awful, and I have so much work to do. This was supposed to be one of those productive weekends; instead I laid around in bed, except, of course, when I was in the bathroom.
The thought of having to wait another month before trying again makes me frantic and depressed. I feel like all I have done is wait. If it is grammatically possible to even say this, I am all waited out. I got my period after miscarriage #2 on July 10. It is now October 7th and for one reason or another, we only “tried” in August. It’s not that our excuses weren’t good — waiting for the thyroid medicine to kick in, hospitalization for a collapsed lung, etc… — but I just can not wait any longer. This is not even waiting for a healthy baby. This is waiting for the opportunity to try for something that has only a 1/5 chance of actually working, then waiting to see if it worked, then waiting to see if it sticks, then waiting to see if everything is okay so far — and that is only the first 6 weeks.
My therapist says that I believe in “magical thinking.” I feel that if I worry/obsess over something enough, I can effect the outcome; if I don’t, bad things will happen due to my lack of attention. It sounded weird when she said it, but I guess it is true. When I let my guard down, when I dare to be happy for a pregnancy or a long period of remission, bad things do happen, it seems. Perhaps it is more comforting to think that I did something to cause it instead of the reality that bad things just happen. Perhaps it gives me fleeting sense of control?
You know what is boring?
Someone who is trying to get pregnant who is not actually actively trying to get pregnant.
The colitis is calming down, now that I am taking all my colitis medicine (supplementing with extra folic acid, of course) and not taking my baby aspirin. I have had to cut out coffee and cut down in the dairy, but I think I caught this before it got out of control. I hope, at least.
Mr. MC is doing better everyday, and had his stitches taken out Thursday. He is weening off the pain medicine, and hopes to be back at work next week. The RE’s nurse, when asked about Mr. MC’s pain-killer and anesthesia, was not concerned as long as they were not “radioactive.” You mean radioactive substances are not good while trying to conceive? Well, I’ll be damned. You learn something every day.
I am also reminded that the two-week-wait is nothing when there is no chance you could be pregnant. I am at 10dpo and I am just waiting for the PMS craziness to set it instead of obsessing over negative pregnancy tests. The tww is just a serious mind-fuck.
The other good news is that if you are not pregnant, you can’t have another miscarriage.
When I first started trying to get pregnant, I thought it might take a few months. Once I got that coveted BFP (“big-fat positive” on a pregnancy test), it would be about another nine months until I would have a baby. This was good: I could estimate, I could plan. Well, here I sit, well over a year later, waiting for my first post-D&C period. The worst part is, aside from obvioulsy being post-miscarriage, is that I have no idea how to plan for my future in the medium term. I like to plan; it makes me feel more in control. How do you plan for the future when you realize that so much of it is out of your control? Do you live your life as if you might be pregnant when you very well might not be?
When I was first pregnant, I had a trip to Europe already planned. I would have been 7 months in March, and my OB did not think that was such a great idea. She said we would adopt a “wait and see” approach. Well, two weeks later I had my first D&C, so travel to Europe while pregnant was a moot point. I went and was glad I had not cancelled everything, because it gave me something to do to take my mind off of my crushing grief.
Here I sit, trying to decide whether to plan another trip to Europe. (These trips are for work — I am not laying around eating bon-bons, although that sounds lovely, doesn’t it?) I feel like I should plan it, even if I end up having to cancel it because I am too round and pregnant next March to sit in coach on an international flight. I hate having to anticipate where I will be in 6+ months. The answer is that I have no idea, and that stresses me out. It could take me 6 months to even get pregnant, and who is to say that this time will be different and I will have an actual baby?
I feel comfortable living in the next few weeks. The short term does not scare me; I have a plan and I feel somewhat in control. I hope that in two years I have a baby, either because I birth one or I adopt one. It is the time between two weeks and two years — the medium term — that scares the crap out of me.
Waiting around is not for sissies.
I got a cancellation appointment with our local RE, Dr. Short-But-Sweet, next Monday. We have not had a chance to run any of the tests yet, save for our karyotyping, but I will show him what my OB has ordered and see what he wants to do. I also want to ask him about my weight and when I can/should start trying to get pregnant again.
I bought a pedometer and am going to try and take 10,000 steps a day. I don’t mind going to the gym when it is cold outside, but it seems wrong to exercise inside when the weather is nice. I will still need to go the gym to lift weights, but I will do my cardio outside in the sunshine (with proper SPF on, of course).
I am limiting myself to one Diet Coke a day and am trying to drink sparkling water or Arizona Green Tea the rest of the day. Yeah, there are probably better things for me than Arizona Green Tea, but the bottle is pretty, it tastes good, and it is certainly better for me than Diet Coke. Next week, I might try and give up the Diet Coke completely.
I started acupuncture to help regulate (or re-regulate) my hormones. Last Friday was my first appointment and I will go once a week. Once I get the karyotyping back (to see if the miscarriage can easily be attributed to chromosomal abnormalites), we will proceed to herbs and/or different acupuncture points. The two times I got pregnant was when I did acupuncture to boost fertility, and it also helps with my colitis. Even if it is hocus-pocus (and I don’t believe it is) it is super-relaxing and that is never a bad thing.
I am thinking about doing either yoga or aikido. I have done yoga but never aikido, and I am leaning towards something new and different. However, yoga is definitely more pregnancy-friendly, which is probably a better long-term choice.
I am in a holding pattern: waiting, waiting, and more waiting.
I am still waiting for the embryonic karyotyping results. I went to my OB today for my post-D&C visit but she did not have the results back yet.
My husband and I gave our blood today for our karyotyping, but we will need to wait several weeks to get the results back.
Now I wait for my post-D&C period. I still had a faintly positive pregnancy test last night, so I assume I will be waiting for at least 2-3 more weeks.
Then, once my period arrives, I need to call my OB and schedule a sonohystogram to check for any uterine abnormalities. She wants to do it as soon as my period ends, so I should not have to wait more than a week to have the procedure.
Once I have my period, I then have to wait until day 22 to get the rest of my blood work done, as she needs a progesterone level. This is when they will also run the fancy “miscarriage panel.”
I have to then wait for all the test results to come back.
I am still waiting to see the RE, but I can start calling next week to see if I can get put on their “cancellation waiting list” for an earlier appointment.
Once I have the results back, I have to wait until the end of that cycle before I can start trying to get pregnant again.
Then I have to wait to ovulate.
Then I have the evilest monster of all: the two-week wait.
Then I have to get pregnant, which will probably be another few months of waiting.
The optimist in me says: “then I have to wait 9 months to meet my baby.”
The pessimist in me says: “then I have to wait 6 weeks to schedule another D&C.“